Clumsy Beginnings and Tragic Endings
by Will2Meaning
Summary: A series of missing moments following the love story of Lupin and Tonks, two of the most tragic characters in the entire series. Takes place from OOTP to HBP.
1. The First Time

**Hello all! And thank you for giving my very first Harry Potter Fanfic a try! Remus Lupin is probably my favorite character next to Ron Weasley, twins, and Luna. I'm not much for writing, but felt that a lot of the Lupin/Tonks stories out there just didn't satisfy what I had imagined their story to be like. So, I made my own missing moments for them. I hope you enjoy and as always comments good and bad are all welcome.**

***CRASH**

"**Tonks!" cried Mrs. Weasley in exasperation, turning to look behind her.**

"**I'm sorry!" wailed Tonks, who was lying flat on the floor. "Its that stupid umbrella stand, that's the second time I've tripped over-"**

**But the rest of her words were drowned by a horrible, ear-splitting, blood curdling screech.**

***Chapter Four- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.**

The First Time

Tonks inched into the long eerie hall that loomed before her, looking for a sign of anyone besides her and Mad-Eye from the Order.

"Hello?" she called out softly

Moody shuffled in through the archway loudly and let the door shut behind him. The only light source casting down the hall disappeared as they heard the click of the handle. Rolling her eyes, Tonks reached down into her pockets to retrieve her wand while taking a few short steps forward, making room for the large man behind her. Just as she was about to cry out 'Lumos' her feet hit something hard on the floor and she fell forward with a loud crash as her wand went flying from her hands. No sooner had she hit the floor than did loud piercing screams fill the hall.

'Filth! Half-Blood Monsters! Defiling the House of Black!"

Tonks could not pinpoint where the screeching was coming from as she struggled to maintain footing. Whatever she had tripped over was caught on her leg and awfully heavy. Her attempts to stand up were met with other falls onto her backside. She heard Moody bellowing about something behind her but she could not distinguish what over the unknown ladys screams. Suddenly there was light and Tonks turned to see two men come running down the hall. Siruis, she recognized, not from her youth but from the countless pictures of him hung in the Aurors office, ran straight past her to what looked like giant curtains flying madly about.

"SHUT UP YOU HAG!" he cried as he struggled to control them.

The other man came straight to her side and without uttering a word lifted a horrible looking umbrella stand off of her foot. The screaming stopped as he reached out his hand for hers and pulled her to her feet.

'Sorry about that.' He said with a sheepish smile. Tonks could not quite understand why he was the one apologizing. She was certain that it had been her that had caused all the ruckus. Before she could respond however, Sirius and Moody, who already seemed to be well acquainted, were now walking to greet them both. Sirius, whose face just a moment ago was full of anger, now seemed completely at peace from the sight of Tonks.

"Nymphadora!" Siruis boomed "My God! I haven't seen you since you were a little girl and now look at you!" He quickly wrapped her in a bear hug and she gave a surprised laugh. Sirius looked nothing like how he did when she had been little. It was obvious the years had been hard on him.

"Yes, I've grown into a real lady, tripping over umbrella stands and causing havoc." She grinned widely. " And call me Tonks. I find Nymphadora to be a mouthful and just plain horrid."

"Ah, well Tonks then." He said finally letting her go. " You can imagine my delight and pride when Dumbledore told me another one of my family members was joining the Order."

"Always a pleasure tarnishing the Black name." She said mockingly. " Get it from my mums side." She winked and Sirius gave a loud barking laugh.

"Good sense of humor too." He added "Which reminds me, why don't we move into the kitchen. Wouldn't want your dear old aunt awake again would you?"

"Oh was that who was screaming at us?" Tonks said as Sirius ushered the four of them into the room at the furthest end of the hall.

"Afraid so Ms. Tonks" answered the light brown haired man who had rescued her from the umbrella stand. He stood quite a bit taller than her in worn-out colorless clothes. His hair had been clumsily combed back and strands of it were falling in front of his face. Despite his obvious neglect in personal appearance, Tonks could tell that he was rather handsome and still young, though worn around the edges, much like Sirius. His clothes were quite a contrast to the vibrant blue shirt and purple hair she was sporting. She figured they must look a sight standing next to each other.

"No need for the formality." She laughed "You did just meet me with my arse on the floor. Just Tonks, please." She reached out her hand for him to shake.

"Remus Lupin." He said politely as he gripped her hand.

"_Remus Lupin?"_ she said shocked. She had heard a great deal about him beforehand through Kingsley and the Weasleys. When she was first told that there was to be a werewolf in the Order she couldn't help but be a bit skeptical. She had dealt with certain werewolves before since she was an Auror and they certainly were never good experiences. When she voiced her concerns she remembered Mr. Weasley and Dumbledore assuring her that she had nothing to worry about, that Remus Lupin was a perfect gentleman despite his once a month condition. Standing before him now she couldn't help but realize how correct they were. He seemed so well mannered and soft spoken that it put Tonks uneasy. She was often told that her mannerisms lacked a certain tact and that she was always over stepping her boundaries. People around the office sometimes compared her to Mad-Eye, though Tonks thought for sure she was no such thing. She at least knew that taking your eye out in front of people should be off limits, and that was something Moody could not seem to comprehend.

"I see you've heard of me then." Remus replied with an uneasy smile. He had been anxious all day, nervous to meet the new members of the Order who might not know about his lycanthropy, or worse, knew and would be frightened to stand next to him. He had hoped that the cousin of Sirius wouldn't be inclined to such prejudices since he had heard she had her own unique talents.

"Of course I've heard of you!" she continued smiling and shaking his hand more feverously. "I just didn't imagine you'd be so…so…" she trailed for a loss of words.

"Shabby?" offered Sirius. "Old? Dreadfully boring?"

"Handsome." Tonks finally said, giving Sirius a mischievous wink. Sirius and Moody let out a startled laughed as Remus smiled awkwardly and only stared at the young woman in front of him. It had been a very long time since any women complimented on his looks in a positive light. Though he was sure she was only saying it to be polite and cause a laugh, he couldn't remember his wits. He thought that somewhere in his youth he had learned how to react properly and make a joke, but had long forgotten it by now. Instead he simply stood still until Sirius came to his rescue.

"You've still got it Remus!" Sirius chortled as he slapped him on the back and Remus let out a breath of air.

"I think Mrs. Weasley said the same thing about him once as well." added Moody as a side note

"Yes, and we might've believed her if she didn't say the same thing about you Moody." started Sirius stilling laughing.

Just then they heard a loud door bell ring and not but a second after, they heard the screams of Mrs. Sirius echo down the hall.

"Oh Merlin…" mumbled Sirius. " I _told_ them not to ring the door bell." He headed off out of the kitchen with his good mood vanishing as quickly as it had seemed to come. Tonks stared after him, a bit put off by his sudden mood swing. Remus must have noticed because he came beside her quietly and said "Hes had a rough go at it you know."

"Oh I'm certain he has,' she replied thoughtfully

"Doesn't like being in this house one bit either!" Moody joined in while settling himself down in a chair at the table.

"I don't blame him for that. Scary place, isn't it?" she replied joining him.

The rest of the hour went on pleasantly as two or three people began arriving at a time, soon filling up the entire kitchen area. Tonks recognized several people from the Ministry and was quickly introduced proudly by Sirius to the rest. Lupin stood back and merely observed the new and old members talking. He stood far in the corner avoiding as much polite conversation as he could. He did not feel nearly as jovial as his friend was for the uniting of the Order, but he also realized that this was the most excited Lupin had seen Sirius in a long while and decided to not interfere with the momentary happiness it was bringing him. Tonks, much like her cousin seemed ecstatic to be included in such a secret revolt against the Dark Lord. Looking at them both talking animatedly to Mr and Mrs. Weasley, Lupin couldn't help but reflect back on another time when he had once himself been just as eager to join the Order of the Phoenix. He grimaced slightly at the memory. For him, it had been the beginning of the end of all he once cherished. It had been a time before he realized the sacrifice he was making, before the loss and abandonment of everything that had made him a whole person. His friends, his job, the life he knew all vanished within a few short years afterward. They had loss nearly all their members then. How many would it be this time? he asked himself. He struggled hard to shake these dreadful thoughts away but the haunting past did not seem to want to let him forget.

"Enjoying yourself sulking in the corner?"

Lupin jumped at the realization that Tonks was now right beside him. He gave her a weak smile in response to her question and continued to face forward and watch the guests continue to mingle around the large kitchen. He did not want to encourage her to keep a conversation with him. He was in no mood to even try and fake enthusiasm and her overly excited demeanor was sure to see through his half smiles and question him further about it. A discussion of his feelings were the last thing he wanted to bring up in this setting, especially to a young woman whom had just met him. He stood there silently, making no attempt at extending his response.

He was unpleasantly surprised however that after several minutes of silence between them she did not leave his side. Instead of moving away from him to find a more suitable companion as Lupin was subtle trying to suggest to her, she merely stood there next to him, waiting for further explanation of his 'sulking' mood.

If there was one thing Lupin could not be it was rude and after another moments hesitation to see if she would take his hint and leave (she did not) Lupin felt obligated to speak.

"Sometimes…" he began slowly "I feel that I'm as old as Dumbledore and yet not any wiser for it." He knew his voice was dripping with sadness but it was for precisely this reason he did not want to speak.

"Well that's just silly," Tonks replied automatically, still holding onto a bright smile. Lupin turned to her with a curious look. "Nobody can be THAT old without learning something right? Besides, its better than being an adult who seems to be cursed with the mind of a child." Her last words were an obvious mimic

Lupin let out a light laugh. "Is that what Moody says?"

"More or less" she shrugged. "I believe the exact wording had the term_ immature_ muddled in there somewhere."

Lupin gave another laugh much to his surprise. She certainly descends from the Blacks, he thought. There was a moments interruption as Sturgis came bounding up to quickly greet them. It had been barely three sentences of a 'hello, how are you?' though, before he spotted Sirius across the room and excused himself again.

"Makes you wonder what will happen to all of us, doesn't it?" Tonks said thoughtfully while watching Sturgis continue to cross the kitchen. Lupin was caught off guard from the sudden change of tone in her voice. The question, that had just moments ago been on his very mind, seemed unnatural for someone seemly so excited about the whole ordeal. Lupin had certainly never thought of such things when he first joined. He had been convinced back then that they were invincible and never dwelt on the what-ifs. He turned trying to read her expression more clearly, openly inviting himself more into where this was leading than he originally planned.

"I feel as though people can only take so much heartbreak before giving up themselves." She turned to meet Lupins eyes and he shifted uncomfortably. He wondered just _how _much she had learned about him prior their meeting. If she had been speaking with Molly Weasley, he was sure it would have been everything from his first word to the color of his socks.

"But than I suppose without the idea of loss, we wouldn't know what we're fighting for anymore, would we?" she continued as her eyes locked with his. A long moment was filled with silence as Lupin pondered her words carefully. The look on her face was unreadable and Lupin could not tell if she was completely serious about them or even if she was talking directly to him or not. The whole conversation seemed to have the ambience of a random thought she might've just said aloud and Lupin had happened to be standing there. But her unrelenting eye contact made it eventually clear to Lupin that she was indeed speaking to him and not to the room.

"I believe Moody was wrong about you." He said quietly

She smiled but before they could continue any further in their deep discussion, a sudden hush traveled throughout the room as Dumbledore, the last of their arriving party, made his way through the kitchen entrance.


	2. Guard Duty

***"Some of them are working on recruiting more people to the Order-" said Hermione**

"**And some of them are standing guard over something." Said Ron. "They're always talking about guard duty."**

"**Couldn't have been me, could it?" said Harry sarcastically**

"**Oh,yeah," said Ron, with a look of dawning comprehension**

***Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Chapter Four**

Guard Duty (On Privet Drive)

The swift turn of the Apparation left Lupin slightly dumbfounded as he stepped away from Tonks' grip. The air was cold and damp from the early evening rainfall and the night sky was still cloudy, making the path darker than usual. They stumbled their way as quietly as they could to where Mrs. Figg and Mundungus were sitting, keeping watch. Dumbledore had charged all able members in pairs to take turns guarding a particular house on Privet Drive throughout the summer. Tonks and Lupin almost always were assigned the night shift since Tonks had to work at the Ministry in the mornings and Lupin was still currently unemployed.

"Wotcher, Mundungus!" whispered Tonks as they approached. Mundungus turned around frantically trying to decipher where the voice had come from. Over much contemplation, Tonks had decided that before they left Grimmauld they should use disillusion charms to offer up a better disguise. "If anyone spotted me as an old lady just standing there for hours, it'd seem bit odd" she had figured. Now, looking at Mrs. Figg and Mundungus completely visible in the open night air she felt maybe she had been a bit foolish. Then she remembered it was Mundungus… and that she should never think of him as an example.

"Its me Mundungus. _Tonks_. " she said quietly.

Mundungus replied with a gruff scowl and turned away from the both of them to roughly shake Mrs. Figg awake. The poor woman had been nearly asleep, her head swaying from side to side.

"Oi!" Mundungus said, more than a little too loud. " 'Ter 'ere ta raplace us!"

Mrs. Figg lifted her head up and nodded sleepily. Lupin wasn't sure if she even fully comprehended what was being said to her but, Mrs. Figg, without trying to figure out just who was replacing her, stood up with a slight shake and started making her way to her house. Mundungus watched her leave and then without another word or glimpse in their direction, pulled out his wand and after a loud crack left the nearly invisible duo by themselves.

"Not much for conversation those two." chuckled Tonks as she made herself comfortable on the cold ground. Despite the fact that she had brought her warmest jacket, the weather still seemed to have caught her off guard. Summers weren't always this dreary, were they?, she thought to herself.

"I'm certain he has some illegal smuggling of potions to attain too." replied Remus jokingly

Tonks smiled at the thought of Molly Weasley learning that Mundungus was trying to smuggle bottles of random potions right after keeping an honorable watch over the boy-who-lived. Her thoughts of Mrs. Weasley, red in the face, screaming at a speechless Mundungus was interrupted though, as something heavy seemed to fall right on top of her. The weight crushed up against her ribs and she let out a gasp of air.

"Remus!" she struggled to breathe. She moved her hands up to push the mass away from her. "I think your sitting on me!"

"Oh, Merlin!" she heard him exclaim. Remus was overcome with embarrassment and frantically tried to move off her.

Doing so proved rather difficult, since he was unable to see where her legs were sprawled out already and in all his rush to stand up he instead tripped over them and landed on the moist ground with a thump. He heard Tonks start to giggle uncontrollably from behind him.

"Blimey…" she said through fits. "Quite the pair of stealthy lookouts we make." Realizing all the noise they had made within the first five minutes of their watch, Remus found he could not help but to laugh along with her. He slowly struggled to ready himself and sit down by what he assumed to be her side.

The few times he had had the pleasure of seeing her again since their first meeting, he realized that her laugh was overwhelmingly infectious. He especially appreciated the effect she seemed to have on Sirius. It wasn't easy to brighten Sirius' mood these days since Dumbledore had no plans of letting him out of Grimmauld, but Tonks seemed to brighten entire rooms by just standing there. Lupin had noticed that even when she was around himself, he felt lighter and more youthful because of it. He was certain it was not just because of the bright colors of clothes she seemed to love to wear.

"Indeed we are." He smiled simply, though she couldn't see it.

"I suppose Kingsley was right." She said quietly, finally collecting herself. "He said that passing 'Stealth and Tracking' was essential to Auror training. Claimed they were the most useful on-job techniques and that I should aim to master them. Course, that never happened…and now look at me, tracking Death Eaters on my days off and participating in stakeouts during the night." She started laughing again.

"But you are so light on your feet." Remus replied mockingly and Tonks let out another laugh, picturing him saying it with a face like stone.

She had originally thought Remus Lupin was a very serious, very sad man. To her, he seemed to have put the weight of the world on his shoulders, leaving no room for a bit of fun. But their duties together discredited her theory. He had proven himself to have a wickedly sarcastic sense of humor, much to Tonks delight. She had been at a loss of words the first time she heard him tell a joke, not able to read through his somber facial expressions. Now, his ability to keep a straight face made it all the more hilarious to her. She never knew someone to be able to keep their emotions in absolute check like he did and she found it very impressive. Once he had become more comfortable in her company, his shining personality came out more readily and Tonks was beginning to realize why Sirius and him got along so well.

"I imagine we won't be doing this much longer, though." He said suddenly. Dumbledore had taken him aside the other night after a meeting to discuss in private, matters of '_persuasion_'. He knew the task was coming, but he was dreading it nevertheless. It had not worked the first time nearly fifteen years ago and had left Lupin in St. Mungos for a month afterwards.

"Has Dumbledore assigned you to something new already?" Tonks asked curiously. She would hate to spend an entire night with anyone else. She tried to imagine herself having a good laugh with Moody, or Mundungus and concluded it would be impossible. She grimaced at the thought of having to endure the smell of Mundungus's cigars.

"Yes." Lupin said shortly. "Seems I'll be going to see Greyback soon." He heard Tonks gasp next to him.

"Oh, you can't be serious Remus!" she whispered hoarsely. "He's terrible!"

She knew they needed more recruits but asking Fernir Greyback to join their side seemed as futile to her as asking the Malfoys. She peered over her side trying to see the outline of Remus, suddenly desperate to see his face. She imagined what could happen if the kind man next to her tried to persuade a pack of brutal werewolves to follow him and it made her shudder. All the things that could go wrong, she thought.

"Well, I've done it before, you know." He tried to reassure her, surprised at her over reaction. Before he could say anymore though, he felt a hand slide along the top of his shoulder and he stiffen from the touch. It radiated heat straight through his tattered coat and felt gentle and comforting against him, yet it was making Lupin unusually anxious. He felt knots tie in his stomach. It wasn't that he minded being touched, not in the least. He had gotten used to the hugs and the invasion of his personal space while living around the Weasleys, but Tonks' gestures always came so unexpected to him and also so frequently. He cleared his throat nervously.

"Promise you'll be careful." She said sincerely. "I know what Greyback can do, I read his file." She paused as if contemplating whether to continue. "Including the one on you." Tonks held her breathe after the last sentence, not sure if she had said the right thing. It was obviously a very personal subject. Even she knew that. She squeezed his shoulder for reassurance and Lupin coughed awkwardly and turned his face to the ground. Tonks tried even harder to see his face but it was to no avail. Even if she could, she was sure he would have disguised his fluster under a perfectly plain expression. She felt him shift uncomfortably under her hand and something in the back of her head whispered 'boundaries'. She quickly pulled back, hoping she didn't make him too uncomfortable.

Perhaps I _am_ as bad as Moody, she thought horrified. She shivered at the thought and hugged her jacket closer to her body. Lupin had gone quiet and she decided to let the embarrassment of the situation die in the silent night air. She yawned and closed her eyes for a moment, breathing in the coldness. For so dangerous of a circumstance it was awfully peaceful out there in the dark. When she reopened her eyes they caught sight of something floating in front of her face.

"Chocolate?" offered Lupin. On bitter nights like these he was always prepared.

"Oh! Thank you!" Tonks replied as she plucked the chocolate from mid-air. She swooped it into her mouth with one swift movement and immediately felt a spread of warmth spread from her tongue all the way through her body, straight down to her toes. She moaned with glee.

"What _is_ this?" she asked excitedly once she swallowed the rest of the melted contents in her mouth.

"Just a simple remedy charm put on some delicious Belgium chocolates." Lupin said, very happy to please her "Want more?"

"I always figured you were smart…but this is just brillant!" she replied as put another piece into her mouth. "Ymmmmm" she said with a sigh

"I can't take all the credit." Lupin said after taking a taste himself. "I doubt it would surprise you to know that Dumbledore had shown it to me."

"Really? When was this?" she was certain she would've smelled chocolate a mile a away if it had been at Grimmaulds.

"Oh, quite a long time ago when I first started at Hogwarts." He said.

Lupin hesitated to tell the whole story. He hated getting into personal issues, yet Tonks always seemed to bring them out of him no matter how hard he tried to avoid it. Her silence told him that she was patiently waiting for more information. He sighed, knowing he might as well and get it over with.

"I... tend to react very poorly after a full moons shift, sometimes sick for days… not to mention all the inflictions I can sometimes give myself." He shook his head downwards from his last statement, feeling that it had been an unnecessary piece of information he would have liked to have kept to himself. Tonks did not seemed bothered by it though, so he continued, "Poppy would do all she could to make me feel better, the poor woman…one time I had been there for over two weeks, not recovering nearly as fast as usual… it had been a very stressful change." He paused again. Every sentence was making him feel more and more foolish. The fact that he could not see her reaction did not encourage him. "Dumbledore came into the Infirmary and gave me chocolates similar to these. He told me they would cure me like no other medicine could and as usual he was right." He let out a breathe of air after the last sentence, almost as if the story had pained him to tell. He waited a moment for a reply from Tonks, but all he heard was her mouth smacking from eating the chocolate. He smiled to himself, wondering why it had seemed so difficult to tell such a silly story.

"Over the years, I've come to realize it's of great use for many remedies" he added reclaiming his calm demeanor and holding out another piece in front of her.

"Like cold nights on guard duty." added Tonks quickly.

"Exactly" he replied still smiling.

"Bloody brillant…" she mumbled as she took another chunk from the offering invisible hand.

At some point during their conversation about magical chocolate, Remus noticed that they had moved closer together and now their legs and sides were touching rather cozily. He sat still as he pondered if he had done it or if it was her that had inched closer to him. Eventually he decided not to question the reason of how it had happened and to instead enjoy the benefit of the warmth it was bringing him. As Tonks continued to munch on the rest of his chocolate he looked up into the cool night sky.

The ground was wet, the air was cold, and the stench of Mundungus' cigars still lingered around them.

Lupin couldn't have thought of a better night to be on guard duty.


	3. The Battle at Grimmaulds

**Hello again. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed this story! I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it and how happy they make me. There is a person listed under "guest" that has commented extremely kindly and I would like to thank them for it since I cannot send them a message. Thanks again and here is chapter three!**

***Snape might refer to their work as 'cleaning', but in Harry's opinion they were really waging war on the house, which was putting up a very good fight, aided and abetted by Kreacher. The doorbell rang several times a day, which was the cue for Sirius's mother to start shrieking again, and for Harry and the others to attempt to eavesdrop on the visitor, though they gleaned very little from the brief glimpses and snatches of conversation they were able to sneak before Mrs. Weasley recalled them to their tasks. Sometimes, however, the visitors stayed to help. Tonks joined them for a memorable afternoon in which they found a murderous old ghoul lurking in an upstairs toilet, and Lupin, who was staying in the house with Sirius but who left it for long periods to do mysterious work for the Order, helped them repair a grandfather clock that had developed the unpleasant habit of shooting heavy bolts at passers-by.**

***Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Chapter Six**

The Battle at Grimmaulds

As Lupin picked the heavy object up off the floor his back made a strange and extremely loud cracking noise. He stood up straight, straining to keep a hold of the load. It'd been a while since he considered actively attaining to his health, but he was certain that he still had managed to keep a relatively strong build. He was not _that_ old, he assured himself as he struggled to move down the hall with his cargo. There was a small notch in the hallway where room for a closet had been made. With the door closed, there was enough space to set down the buddle in his hands and keep it out of site. He stood up and stared at it, trying to decide if it was a good enough relocation. He touched his hand to his small scruff of a beard and scratched at it as he turned his head looking down the now clear path towards the front door. Several times he turned his head from the hallway to the object in front of the closet, contemplating.

"Hmm" he said to himself out loud.

He took a few steps away from the closet, moving himself further towards the door and observed from his new angle. He saw that there was still a handle of it jutting out from the side so he took a step forward and tried to angle it better so that it was completely concealed from sight. He took a step back again, then a step forward, angled it again, and once more stepped back. Several times back and forth Lupin moved, trying to make sure that the stand was out of the pathway completely. He was sure that if even a smudge of it was poking out, she'd find it. He was about to try and pick it up again when he heard a voice behind him.

" I rather think that the troll umbrella stand is the last thing I'm worried about when it comes to remodeling this hallway."

Lupin jumped and turned around. "Sirius, you scared me nearly to death. And don't talk so loud." He said quietly.

"Well, what the bloody hell are you doing down here? I've been looking all over for you. We're having a rough go with a clock of all things." He mumbled after him.

"You told me Tonks was arriving later today." said Lupin shortly with a shrug, as if that explained everything about his recent obsession with redecorating. He turned to move the stand once again and Sirius took a few steps closer to him while peering over his shoulder. He wondered if his best mate had finally gone mad. They had all thought it would be him, trapped in Azkaban, but Sirius had put his galleons on Moony years ago. Nobody could have that many pent up emotions without going bonkers he had thought.

"Right. Remind me what the umbrella stand has to do with that?" Sirius said as he leaned back, confused.

"S_hes_ - grf – _aways_ – ufgh - _tripping on it_." Lupin said struggling to shimmy the stand down to the left side of the door. Sirius watched him struggle for a minute before becoming annoyed. It was as painfully to watch as it was seeing Kreacher try and save random Black relics. Sirius nudged Lupin aside forcefully and picked up the umbrella stand easily with one hand. He opened the closet door and nonchalantly threw it inside, where it landed with a soft thump upon piles of what looked like velvet curtains. Lupin scrunched up his face in dismay.

"Do you think I'm getting old?" he asked jesting

"You? With more gray hairs than Dumbledore? Never." Sirius replied with a barking laugh. Remus smiled and extended his hand to close the closet door.

"Are you quite finished here?" Sirius asked. "Or would you prefer to remove all of the dangerous chairs from around the kitchen table as well?"

Lupin laughed as he started walking with Sirius towards the staircase.

"Just trying to save you another meeting with Mrs. Sirius is all." Lupin said climbing the stairs slowly.

"I doubt you did. Tonks will find a way to trip on air, just you wait." He replied

As they reached the top of the stairs, Lupin saw a silver object shoot quickly across his face, mere inches from his nose. He looked to see Mrs. Weasley and all of the children lined against either side of the walls of an opened door. Sirius quickly gave a push behind him, urging him to join them. Ron was seated on the floor with Hermione holding a tissue to his nose.

"Bloody clock attacked me!" he said holding out another tissue, stained with blood that was in his hand.

Remus watched as George and Fred came around the corner up to Ron and squatted down next to him. Fred held out something to the bleeding boy that Lupin couldn't see and whispered in Rons ear.

"I'm not your experimental git! Get that away from me!" Ron replied angrily. Hermione turned to the twins with a disapproving look and shooed them away. Harry and Ginny stood by, obviously finding something rather comical that Lupin could not pick up on.

"Would you boys pipe down! I'm trying to concentrate!" screamed Mrs. Weasley, clearly unaware of what was going on behind her.

"Might I help Molly?" Lupin asked stepping carefully next to her.

"Oh Remus," she sighed "Thank Merlin."

It took about half an hour for Lupin, Sirius, and Mrs. Weasley to get inside the room where the clock was staging its last stand. They had managed to position themselves behind overturned dressers on either side of the monstrous thing. It had hit all of them several times but currently seemed to be slowing down in its ability to fire. Lupin wasn't sure if their spells were the ones having the effect on it, or if it was simple running out of bolts, nuts, and screws to chuck at them. He was beginning to tire as sweat was now starting to form on his wrinkled brow. The Blacks sure knew how to protect their belongings. Everything from the curtains to the silverware was charmed, spelled, or bewitched with some kind of magic to make sure nothing ever left this house or was handled by anyone other than a devoted Black family member. Remus suddenly felt very guilty leaving Sirius alone in this place. From one prison to another, he thought.

"Someone blast the thing to pieces already!" cried Sirius, getting more and more angry everytime his spells missed or refused to cause the clock any damage.

Lupin pointed his wand once more towards the clock, readying himself for another attack.

"Wotcher, Remus!"

He turned, suddenly horrified to see a very happy Nymphadora Tonks standing innocently in the doorway smiling, completely ignorant of the fact that she just waltzed into a warzone. Before Lupin could find his voice he heard Mrs, Weasley and Sirius both yell "Tonks!". A giant glimmer of bronze went zooming through the air as fast as lightening, colliding straight into Tonk's eye. Utterly unprepared for the attack, she fell over backwards, flat on her back and Remus saw her head hit the ground with a loud THLACK!

"Oh dear…" murmured Mrs. Weasley in shock. There was a crash from the other side of the room, and Lupin with his mouth still opened from the collapse of Tonks poor body, turned to see that the clocks wooden side and front glass door had fallen off and hit the ground. The giant screw it threw at Tonks must have been one of its last few still holding it together. It now stood, looking almost naked without two of its sides, springs and wheels spilling out from under the clock face, ready to fall over.

Mrs. Weasley turned towards the two men in the room with her and gave them a firm serious nod. " Okay then!" she cried. "Altogether now!"

All three of them pointed their wands sternly at the injured clock and yelled "Impediem!" What was left of the standing structure soon exploded all over the room as it hit the back wall from the triple blast. As soon as the room cleared of flying debris Remus quickly stood up and made his way over to Tonks. She was still on her back rubbing her eye and as he came over to examine the damaged, she uttered a small "Ouch." and began trying to pick herself up.

"Blasted thing," Sirius said disgruntled, kicking at what remained of the clock on the floor.

Mrs. Weasley came frantically over to where Lupin was holding Tonks up, steadying her as she stood.

"I think the doxies downstairs heard you hit your head…" she said panicked, trying to shoo away Tonks hand so that she could see what the screw had left as a mark on her face. "We've got to get you downstairs, come on dear…"

Tonks tried desperately to mumble that she was all right and that it was nothing to worry over. She had tripped, fallen, and injured herself more times than she cared to remember, but Mrs. Weasley would have none of it and insisted on bringing her to the kitchen. Lupin kept a close hand on her back making sure she would not fall again. Tonks felt more embarrassed than anything as she made her way down the steps carefully. She had always been clumsy but she could not help but feel that her incidents had been increasing over the last few months. It was as if every time Remus was around, she made sure to make a complete git of herself in front of him. It was rather unnerving, she thought as they entered the kitchen room.

Tonks sat atop the kitchen table with both Lupin and Sirius at her side while Mrs. Weasley searched the cupboards for her ointment.

"Here it is!," cried Mrs. Weasley. She walked over to wear they stood. "Bill says its Veela magic, though I've no idea where he got it from. It works like a charm though." Lupin smiled. It seemed that everyone but Mrs. Weasley knew how Bill was getting Veela gifts.

"Oh bollocks, this ones almost done, here," she handed it over to Lupin "Start on that and I'll see if I can find the other one. I bet George and Fred took it! They've been running around this house sneaking things into their room all week the insufferable little…" her voiced died out as she left the room, but Lupin could tell she was still complaining by the muffled words that made it through the door. He eyed the bottle curiously. It was full of what looked like green goop and it had a slight glow to it he noticed, as he held it up to his eyes for a better observation. As he did so he saw that Sirius and Tonks were staring at him expectantly, puzzled he dropped his hand.

"What?" he asked confused.

Sirius gave a nod towards Tonks direction and it suddenly dawned on him what Mrs. Weasley had tasked him with. The room got very hot as he looked at Tonks eye. Oh, he thought as he swelled with embarrassment. The idea of touching Tonks face seemed extremely inappropriate to him and he hesitated moving closer to her.

For Merlins sake, you're a grown man, he thought but his hand was already passing off the small bottle forcefully into Siriuss hands, ridding himself of the chore. The movement was far too obvious a hint of what Remus was trying to avoid to do and he did not have to look at Sirius to know that he was sporting a devilish grin.

"Don't be offended Tonks," he roared with laughter "Lupin was never any good around woman." and without another moments passing, Sirius uncorked the bottle and began dabbing it in small amounts around Tonks right eye.

"I dare say an Abby Grimple, would say the same thing about you" retorted Lupin slightly bitter. Sirius merely scoffed and mumbled "Mad girl…", ignoring any further discussion. Tonks started to smile, wondering who Abby Grimple was until she realized that the movement made her face hurt even more and she stopped abruptly.

"And to think that I was so excited to tell you guys that I didn't wake up Mrs. Sirius for once." Tonks added disappointedly.

Lupin raised his eyebrows at Sirius and gave him a small face of triumph.

"Oh yes, you certainly saved her from harm." He sarcastically voiced back. "And me from any more trouble…" he added afterwards, rolling his eyes.

Tonks was about to ask what they were going on about when Mrs. Weasley reappeared inside the kitchen with another full bottle in her hand.

"Here it is!" she said, daggling it in front of her face.

Lupin and Sirius decided to leave Mrs. Weasley to attend to Tonks alone and situated themselves within the library instead. Sirius was hunched over a chessboard game and mumbling about something to himself. Lupin swore he heard the words "Abby Grimple" in there somewhere and he smiled to himself, gloating quietly in the frustration he had caused his friend. Remus had taken out a book titled "Dark Creatures and Defenses Against Them" and was reading it while cozily seated in an arm chair near the black-haired man. After a while Tonks walked in to join them.

"Finally healed," she sighed as she threw herself down into a chair next to Sirius. "That Veela stuff works miracles." She looked over to where Lupin was sitting, completely absorbed in his book. She wondered how he could still make time to read. She never seemed to be able to do anything for herself anymore. When she did have time she always made a visit to Grimmauld, mostly to keep Sirius company and in hopes of catching a certain werewolf hanging around. If she could make time to read, she certainly would not read _that_ book. How depressing, she thought.

"Horrible book…" grumbled Sirius, noticing her stare "written in 1955 and Remus reads it over and over again like it's the book of all knowledge." He moved his pawn up two paces, trying to start a game with Tonks.

"It's a fantastic read, don't listen to him." Chimed in Lupin, not bothering to look up from his page. Despite when it was written, Remus felt that the book still tended to have most things accurately pegged.

"Its full of terribly bias remarks about Werewovles and Lupin enjoys self torture." Whispered Sirius matter-of-factly. "I'd burn it if he'd let me." Tonks gave him a small smile, unsure of how serious the comment really was.

An hour went by without any disturbance as Lupin enjoyed flipping through his book and Tonks and Sirius battled out on the chessboard. Every now and again Lupin would hear Sirius grunt and exclaim in frustration, claiming that Tonks was cheating or had put him under the Imperious Curse. Lupin didn't know how long it had been before he realized that the two of them had started talking more quietly, almost as if trying to hide their conversation.

Lupin paused for a moment in the middle of a paragraph on Dementors origins, and strained to hear what they were talking about. He soon wished he didn't bother.

"Actually he can get really impatient and angry a few days before a full moon." Sirius said trying to keep his voice down.

Lupin tightened his grip on his books binding, wishing suddenly that he did not have such an obnoxious friend. He had caught other members of the Order having conversations about him also. Nothing in too negative a light but it was as if everyone in the Order thought it perfectly fine to share as much as Lupins personal life to anyone who'd listen. Apparently, new members found his story very interesting. Lupin didn't care how they justified it, he was beginning to loose patience with their gossip and Sirius was not helping. Out of everyone he could be telling this to, he desperately wished it was not Tonks.

"Its hard to tell if you don't know him. Hes prided himself for years on controlling 'the wolve'," Sirius chuckled. "But I've come up with a sure fine method to tell where his moods at." continued Sirius mischievously. "Watch." He whispered to Tonks.

She eyed him curiously as Sirius grabbed a pencil from a nearby nightstand and walked up behind the chair where Lupin was sitting. Lupin tried hard to concentrate on his book, pretending not to have heard Sirius' statement. He knew full well what his 'sure fine method' was, having endured it for years, and was determined not to feed into it while Tonks was around. He braced himself for the nudge he soon felt against his head.

Sirius had poked him with the eraser end near his ear and turned to Tonks, already starting to laugh. "Wait for it," he said chucking. He continued to poke at him until Lupin after the third or fourth poke, had enough of his childish game. He reached up quickly, grabbed the pencil and calmly brought it down to his side, never looking up at either of them.

"You see!" cried Sirius. Tonks burst out into a mad laugh.

"He really went bonkers on you didn't he?" she said through breaths. If that was impatient and angry to Sirius, she wondered what he thought of himself.

"No, no. It's a _measurement _of his mood. If the full moons not around, he'll just ignore me until I give up. When it starts getting closer he'll do what he did now. If his patience is starting to run out, he'll throw the pencil across the room. And if he's _really _livid, he'll break it." Sirius finished, clearly proud of his genius. Tonks only laughed harder, thinking Sirius was mad. The breaking of a pencil hardly seemed to determine anyone as 'livid'.

"Its true!" he argued. "You don't want to be around him when he breaks it…"

Tonks continued to buckle over in laughter.

"The first time I did it, I was foolish enough to use my wand." Sirius added. Lupin remembered breaking _several _of his wands actually. Sirius had always been a bit daft at reading peoples moods.

Tonks slowly began to collect herself from the ridiculous notion of his theory. She sat up straight and stretched her arms above her. A big yawn escaped her mouth and she clapped a hand over it.

"Better head off," she said suddenly very tired. Between the fits of laughter and the attack on her earlier, she found she was extremely sleepy

She waved a small goodbye to the both of them and turned to walk out the door. Lupin watched her leave, her bubble-gum pink hair bouncing along with her step, and when she was completely out of sight he turned to Sirius.

"You're a real prat, you know that?" he said seriously, turning back to his book.

Sirius only barked out a laugh and threw a pencil at him.


	4. A Tiring Evening

*"**M-m-morning Harry," yawned Tonks. Her hair was blonde and curly this morning. "Sleep all right?" **

"**Yeah," said Harry.**

"**I've b-b-been up all night." She said with another shuddering yawn. "Come and sit down…" **

**She drew out a chair, knocking over the one beside it in the process. **

"…**and I'll have to tell Dumbledore I can't do night duty tomorrow. I'm just t-t-too tired." Tonks finished, yawning hugely again. **

"**I'll cover for you." Said Mr. Weasley.**

*** Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Chapter Seven. **

A Tiring Evening

It had become a certain ritual that before a full moon Lupin would have trouble sleeping. If luck was with him, he would doze off for a few short hours before waking up in a cold sweat and if it was not, he would simply lay on his bed contemplating the possibilities of what could happen the next night.

His nightmares, during the hours he could find sleep, were always very consistent. He was always in werewolf form running wild because he had not take the right precautions beforehand, or he had forgotten the full moon was due for a visit. While raging through a never-ending cold blackness, he would attack everything that came into his sight. He would finally wake up from the dream when his monstrous teeth had found a victim to sink into. The only part of the dream that would ever change was whom he attacked at the end of it. It was always someone he cared about, someone he loved, and someone he had guilted himself into thinking that they were placed in danger just from knowing him in his waking life. His parents, Sirius, James, Lily, and Harry were frequent visitors in this role. Sometimes the images were so graphic he'd scream himself awake.

Tonight Lupin had been lucky, though from the contents of the nightmare he would have begged to differ. He had managed to close his eyes for an hour, the dream taking a hold of him, torturing his being by every means possible, before waking up horrified. Normally Lupin was use to waking up from these terrible projections and had found, after many years of experience from them, that the best way to counteract the images was to quickly escape his room and head to the library for a distracting read. But tonight he found his eyes wide awake with worry and his legs immobile, sweat forming on his face.

There had been a new victim under his claws and teeth at the end of his dream, someone who had never been there before and someone Lupin desperately wished never would be again. He laid there perfectly still, unnerved from the last lingering image the dream had cast, still playing in his mind over and over again. He wanted to move, to escape into his only solace, but his mind was not able to stop replaying the image of bubble-gum pink hair slowly turning red from the blood pooling next to it on the ground.

He closed his eyes tight, begging to rid of the vivid memory, but it was to no avail. He quickly shook his head and forced himself to stand up. He sighed heavily, not wanting to interpret what the dream had meant, or what Tonks was clearly becoming to mean to him. He silently chastised himself for continuing to ponder on it and decided it was time to retreat into the library. He hadn't changed out of his clothes from the day, figuring he knew he'd eventually end up downstairs again anyways, so without another thought and as quietly as he could, he made his way past Sirius' bedroom and down the stairs.

Upon entering the library, he turned immediately to the bookcase on the right side of the wall, searching for where he had left "Dark Creatures and Defenses Against Them", but he found it missing from the empty slot he'd last placed it in.

"Sirius…" he mumbled distainfully, the old friend must have hid it on him again.

He turned to begin a tantalizing search of the rest of the room when he noticed a small arm hung loosely over his normal lounging chair. Curious, he quietly moved around the front side to find Tonks asleep in it. One hand was daggling off the side while the other was placed on top of his book, rested on her thigh. She had positioned herself oddly and her head was cocked to the left side of her shoulder in an obvious uncomfortable position. He looked at her in surprise, the pink hair falling softly into her face, her breathing steady. Despite the strange placement of her limbs, her face was peaceful, probably dreaming, Lupin hoped, of something more enjoyable than his own. He stared at her a long while, wondering what had brought her back down here. It certainly could not have been just to read his book. Deciding not to wake her, he grabbed a random book from the shelf and tiptoed over to the love couch positioned adjacent her. He sat down slowly making sure to limit his noise level and opened his book.

'Chapter One: Conserving the Purity of Pure Bloods' , it read.

Lupin sighed. He had forgotten whose library this originally belonged to. His own book, now nestled in Tonks hand was brought from his own personal assets. He eyed his book enviously on Tonks lap, and then trailed upwards to her face. He wondered what she was dreaming about. Did she ever have nightmares like he so often did?, he thought. He doubted it; she had no reason to fear so much like he did. Her personality was more the type of Sirius, carefree and always ready with a joke. He stared at her, jealous of her ability to sleep, and yet the look on her face was so calming he was beginning to loose himself in it.

Suddenly she rolled her head to the right side with a soft moan and Lupin quickly looked down at his book again.

'The importance of purity was first proven in the late 1930's, when Pure Blood scientist Godrick Billow statistically proved that procreating with Muggles, Half-Bloods, or Half-Breeds resulted in a significant loss of magical ability.'

There was another sigh from Tonks' direction and Lupin stole a glace up at her again. She had moved her hanging arm into her lap, next to the book. She looked very pretty, Lupin thought, snuggled into the armchair like that. Was her face always so heartshaped? He wondered. Lupin had never known a Black descendent to be ugly. Even Bellatrix had been beautiful back before her days of dark magic worshipping, but there was something significantly more attractive about Tonks, thought Lupin. He guessed it must have come from her fathers half.

Maybe it was the absence of absolute hatred, he mused.

Realizing that he had lingered his gaze a bit to long, he turned back to his book.

'The importance of purity was first proven in the late 1930's, when-'

Wait, I've read this, he thought.

His eyes danced around the page until he found where he left off.

'In fact, the idea that mixing blood diminishes certain magical performances had been theorized prior Billows by Pure Blood Lesley Grave, Pure Blood Florence Baglee, and Pure Blood Samuel Smithens.'

He heard a rustle from her end of the room and tried to ignore it, thinking that he was spending a lot more time contemplating Tonks' features than reading, but than another soft movement from her, and he couldn't help but look up again. She had once again moved her head to the right side of her shoulder, desperately trying to find a comfortable spot for it to lay.

She needs a pillow, he thought.

He glanced around the room in search of one. The only ones in the library were throw pillows drenched in the stench of the musty old house. Lupin frowned, dissatisfied with the options available. He looked back at her and caught himself examining her hands. They seemed so delicate and much too elegant for a person who fought Death Eaters and had trained as an Auror. How nice they were, he thought. He shook his head, thinking himself ridiculous to contemplate the essence of her hands and took another try at his book.

'The importance of purity was first proven in the late 1930's, when Godrick Billows statistically proved that procreating with Muggles, Half-Bloods, or Half-Breed resulted in a significant loss of magical ability.'

"Hmm", he mumbled aloud. That sounded awfully familiar to him, he thought. He must have read this book before, he concluded.

With that he happily closed the book, placed it aside, and decided to find Tonks a suitable pillow.

He quietly exited the library and retreated back into his room, removing one of the pillows on his bed and a small shawl that was thrown over a chair in the corner. He left as quickly as he had come and went back down the stairs, rejoining the sleeping woman. He stood over her a good five minutes, contemplating the best method for slipping the pillow behind her head without waking her. Finally, overcome with some sudden bravery, he slowly moved his hand behind her head and as gently as possible lifted it. She sighed into his touch and he paused, nervous he would be caught in the comprising position. As fast as he dared, his other hand brought the pillow up over her head and behind her. He gently removed both his hands and in the process caught a pleasant whiff of her scent. It was sweet, he thought, something he could not quite distinguish but something entirely her own.

He stood up slowly looking at her, feeling rather prideful in both, securing his task and not waking her.

BaM!

Lupin jumped back a few steps. The book on Tonks lap had silently slid off her thigh and landed with a loud thud, making Tonks sit up abruptly and instinctively reach the to the side for her wand. Realizing it wasn't there she raised her head to see her opponent.

"Remus?" she said in a haze. She glanced around the room, trying to remember where she was and how she had ended up there. When she eyed the noise-making book on the floor, it suddenly came to her.

She had been so tired when she left their company and retreated into her room, she was positive she was already asleep before her head had hit the pillow. Unfortunately, her blissful sleep had been cut short with terrible visions of Fernir Greybacks haunting eyes following her around on the grounds of what resembled the Forbidden Forest at Hogwarts. When she awoke in a terrified state, she couldn't rid the thoughts of Lupin going to see him. She was sure that if he went he would not come back the same man. Either physically harmed or emotionally, and she dreaded the day she would have to see him leave. How long would he be gone for? , she had wondered. After pacing around her room, trying to distract her thoughts, she eventually decided to venture downstairs and give a go at the book Lupin was reading earlier. She wanted to know whether Sirius' statement had been at all true. She had managed nearly three full sentences before dozing off. Remembering those three now, she thinks she would have had to agree with Sirius.

"Didn't mean to wake you." Lupin said softly, a kind smile on his face. He just stood there a while looking at her fondly, as Tonks re-adjusted herself in the armchair. She gave a yawn and as she raised her hands above her head, they hit something behind her. She pulled out a soft pillow and looked at it confused.

"I thought you looked rather uncomfortable, so I grabbed you a pillow from upstairs." Lupin said quickly, still smiling at her. The expression on his face was one she wasn't sure she'd seen before. He looked very happy for someone up at this hour. The unrelenting gaze he was giving her, mixed in with his small smile, was so kind and pleasant, it was making her feel very bashfully suddenly.

Just remembering he was still holding the shawl over his shoulder, Lupin took it and handed it to Tonks.

"Its also chilly down here." He said explaining.

Tonks only blinked at him. She had never known a man to be so kind, and just when she thought she knew the limits of Lupins sweetness, he proved her wrong. Her heart skipped a beat at the kind gesture he had done her and very slowly she reached out her hand for the blanket.

"Thank you," she said more hoarsely then she had wanted to sound. He didn't seem to notice and quietly moved to the other side of the room and sat comfortably down on the couch facing her. Her eyes followed him as he went, still surprised at his unusual behavior. She looked down at the pillow in her one hand. Had he touched her?, she thought and her heart quicken. And had she missed it?! She frowned in disappointment, realizing suddenly how much she had been looking forward to the moment she had just slept through.

There had been so many times when Tonks had seen Remus and wanted to greet him with an enormous hug and kiss on the cheek, much like she would do to Sirius, but she always stopped herself. Despite their growing friendship, Remus seemed to always make sure they did not touch, even in the slightest forms. Once, there legs had grazed each other under the kitchen table during a meeting and Lupin would not meet her eyes the rest of the night. Whenever she would forget herself and touch him anyway, he seemed to tense up from the most friendliest of contacts. She had figured it would just take time for him to be comfortable around her, as he never seemed to mind when Mad-Eye, Mr. or Mrs. Weasley, or any of the other people he was well acquainted with touched him. Now that she thought about it, he never seemed to mind except when it _was_ her. She pondered on this while looking at him. Filled with a sudden determination she stood up, still holding both pillow and shawl, and made her way over to him. As she sat down next to him, she purposefully made sure she was in very close proximity with his body, touching her legs and arms to his. She smiled at him and searched his face for a reaction.

Lupin only smiled back at her, as kind as ever.

"Do you find the small armchair more comfortable than your bed?" he asked calmly, a slight tease in his voice.

"My portrait in the room wouldn't stop singing about Pure-Bloods." She lied. She wasn't the least bit ready to tell him what had actually drawn her downstairs. He might've taken it as insult that she dreamt of a werewolf, and knowing that she was worried about him leaving. "And you?" she asked

Lupin paused a moment before answering. "Same thing." He replied smiling. She laughed. So their both liars, she thought and she wondered if his nightmare involved any werewolves too.

She turned her face towards him and her breath caught in her throat. She had positioned herself extremely close to him, perhaps a bit too close, she now thought. They're faces were only a few inches apart and she thanked Merlin that she was a Metamorphgus or Lupin would've seen the reddest blush she'd ever made. She wondered if he could still feel the heat that was radiating off her body, but he only looked back at her, seemly unfazed by the intimacy of it all.

Damn him, she thought.

His hand raised and without even a small hesitation grabbed a lock of her hair. She froze with excitement. When had this happened? When had Lupins presence started making her feel so jumpy?

"You're always changing your hair," he said with a curious grin, as collected as always. "I bet a lot of people are jealous of your ability…" His hand let go and fell back into his lap. "Have you ever wanted to change anything else?"

Tonks looked at him, still in shock from the contact. She swallowed and looked away.

"In my fourth year in Hogwarts, there was a girl who teased me endlessly about my nose actually." She managed to say after a bit. " She was a real prat, got the whole common room singing about how big my nose was." She giggled slightly remembering how important it had seemed back than. " That night I sat at the mirror changing my nose into all sorts of things for hours, trying to make it smaller. Nothing looked right though and eventually I decided to keep my own. The next morning I punched the girl in her own nose." She smiled, the thought pleasing her even now.

Lupin laughed loudly and she relished in bringing a smile to his face. He needed to do it more often, she thought.

"Of course, I got suspended from the Quiddich team for two weeks because of it, but I think it was worth it." She continued

Lupin beamed at her. "Indeed, I think it was."

"After that, I never really thought about it anymore. Except my hair of course, but I just love a little color is all." She said shrugging

"And it seems that every color loves you as well." Lupin said and gave her a wink.

His compliment seemed to put a silence in the air and he wondered if he had said something to upset her. Tonks only eyed him curiously.

"Harrys trial is tomorrow." He said plainly, unsure of where he was trying to take the conversation.

"Oh Merlin," she responded. "I completely forgot. I guess we should try and get some sleep then eh?"

Lupin frowned. That had not been what he was trying to suggest at all, but he felt it would be too odd to convince her otherwise now. Besides, she had a point. Lupin wanted to make sure he was up in time to wish Harry good luck and give him a few encouraging words. He knew how uneasy Harry had started feeling about the whole thing. So instead of insisting that they continue to chat, he told her that he'd walk her to her room. With that, they removed themselves out of the library, back up the stairs, until they were standing outside of her door, a few short steps down from his own.

"'Night" she said smiling, already starting to close the door behind her. Without thinking Lupin put his hand out, stopping the door from completely closing. She looked up at him confused, unsure of what he was trying to do. Lupin paused for a moment looking at her while debating in his mind whether he should say what he wanted to.

"Tonks…" he started softly and he could feel himself already starting to sweat.

"You were right not to change anything." He paused "…You're quite beautiful."

Tonks smiled the biggest flash of teeth Lupin had ever seen and without saying a word, slowly closed the door behind her. Lupin stood still where he was for a bit before finally retreating back into his own room.

XxxxX

Inside her bedroom, Tonks could not stay still. She tried to lay in her bed, but quickly got up and began pacing around the room. Her heart felt as though it would burst and the only way of remedying it was to walk about feverously. She grabbed her wand and starting twirling it between her fingers as she took her steps, thinking about Remus' actions. His words rung in her ears over and over again and she tried to make sense of why they had such an enormous effect on her. He thinks I'm beautiful, she thought and she giggled out loud, mimicking a small schoolgirl. As soon as she had, she clapped a hand over her mouth.

What was wrong with her?

She felt euphoric and very alive. There was no chance of getting an ounze of sleep tonight, she thought continuing to move about the room fidgeting.

Yet while she fidgeted alone in her room reminiscing of the comment Lupin shared with her, on the other end of the hall where Remus Lupins bedroom was, there was an entirely different reaction occurring over the very same statement. Lupin laid still in his bed, hands folded over his stomach, and his eyes staring straight at the ceiling. He felt very strange and found that he could not seem to think in collective thoughts. His mind jumped from images of Tonks sleeping on the chair, to what he had said to her, back to Tonks telling her school day story to him. He shouldn't have said what he did, he thought to himself. He did not know why, but he knew he shouldn't have.

_It was just a compliment_, he said to himself. _You've given plenty of those before. In fact, you make sure to give one to Mrs. Weasley every morning about her cooking. _

He rolled onto his side, unconvinced. It was different. He knew it was and he couldn't shake the reaction it had brought out in Tonks. _That smile…_

His heart gave a burst of heat, sending it through his body at the thought of her dazzling smile. In that moment, he knew for certain that it had most definitely not been just a compliment because if he was honest with himself, which he was trying hard not to be, his heart had meant it as much much more.


	5. Full Moon

She opened the door very slowly, trying hard not to make any noise.

_I'll just go in, slip upstairs and nobody will see me. It'll be fine., _Tonks told herself.

Sirius and Remus had always said that she was welcome at 12 Grimmauld place no matter what, but she knew inside her heart, just like many other Order members did, that it would be intrusive and impolite to come on this particular night. She felt a wave of guilt overcome her as she stepped inside, but she still continued forward. She could not stop herself any longer. She paid attention to the calendar like it was a bible nowadays, counting down the days to a full moon, and wondering if he was alright. She would find her thoughts slipping into thinking only about him on those nights.

Had he hurt himself this time? Did he ever remember what he did? Did he ever think of her? The questions plagued in her mind over and over again, never able to be answered, because she could never muster enough courage to intrude on the one thing he took so well to protecting. That is, until tonight.

As she continued to creep her way inside she got an overwhelming sense of her earlier years, trying to sneak dungbombs into the halls of Hogwarts. She had to admit that this was a tad bit more dangerous of a situation than at Hogwarts if she was caught. Her instincts told her to leave at once and stop butting into things that were none of her business, but her heart yearned to go forward, to see into the dark secret that was Remus Lupin.

_It'll be fine_… she kept repeating to herself.

She had to be here, she concluded. She did not know why but she just had to know. It had been haunting her for months now, she wanted so badly to stay so many times, and she had come so close to asking once, but after looking into his amber eyes she could think no more and was leaving before she realized what she'd done. Today, she did not even bother asking, knowing she would never be able to, and also knowing that the answer would most definitely be no. This way, at least she might be able to play a fool and say she didn't know, that she had completely forgotten.

As quietly as she could she lifted a foot onto the first stair and it let out a light creak as she put her weight on it. She held her breath, looking around to make sure no one had heard it but her. She stepped again and again, until she was moving more confidently up the stairs. She was nearly to the top when she heard the most agonizing wail that ever graced her ears. It was haunting, a low terrorizing howl that sent tremors throughout the entire house. Tonks gasped at the horrific sound that echoed on the walls. Caught off guard by the suddenness of it all, she missed her next step and very loudly when tumbling back down the stairs.

_Bugger! _

She heard clambering from the kitchen down the hall to her left and she struggled to make a move before someone came out and saw her.

"Tonks?" said a very familiar female voice from the kitchen door as it swung open in a haste.

_BUGGER!_

"Hello, Mrs. Weasley" she said from the floor. _Too late now._ She grabbed the hand that Mrs. Weasley offered and pulled herself up. She stood and started shaking her clothes straight, trying hard not to meet Mrs. Weasleys eyes.

"Tonks...," Mrs. Weasley started. She looked extremely nervous, even for her. Her hair was in disarray and sweat had begun forming droplets on her forehead. She looked awfully pale. "You really shouldn't be here." She continued in barely a whisper. It was clear to Tonks that she was scolding her. Her face was gravely serious and it made Tonks even more uneasy.

"Yes, well…erm…" She tried to think of a good enough excuse to have come all the way to Grimmaulds instead of her own flat to sleep. Suddenly the plan to "have forgotten" seemed way too ridiculous. _Why did she ever think she could get away with this?_ "Well the thing is…" she tried.

Just then another monstrous yell struck through the bones of both of them, the pictures on the wall shaking slightly.

"Oh, dear." Mrs. Weasley said, fright clearly in her voice as she looked around the room, "Tonks, you just _cannot_ be here tonight." She said and she began hastening to escort Tonks back down towards the hallway. "It's a very _very_ bad time."

But Tonks already knew why it was such a terrible time and she was already determined to stay. Over the last six months, as Tonks had more and more conversations and confrontations with Remus Lupin, she was beginning to see what Sirius had meant about his obsession with self-torture. He constantly hid his full self from the world, damning himself from any sort of acceptance. She didn't know whether this was because people had so readily shut him out all is life and curse him for what he was, or if he truly believed himself to be a monster and never gave anyone half a chance to truly know him. She had concluded a while ago that it must have been a little of both.

Despite this reluctance, she had grown so fond of him, visiting as often as she could, trying to set a schedule that met his somehow. He made her feel special, and beautiful and every time they parted she longed to come back just for a minute to relish the feelings that came over her all over again. She did not know if any of it was reciprocated, and frankly right now she did not care. She was enjoying herself too much to end the dream if she found out that his feelings ended at the word friendship. She would keep her fantasies to herself as long as she could, to preserve them.

"No." Tonks said suddenly, stopping Mrs. Weasleys push against her. Something in Tonks voice must have gave away the seriousness she was trying to impose because Mrs. Weasley gave a curious look back at her. "I'm staying."

Before she had time to protest, another ear shattering yell rang through the house. Mrs. Weasley jump with fright, grabbing at her heart, and shook her head.

"Merlin, just don't let him know!" she scowled as she walked away in a haste back to the kitchen, leaving Tonks standing near the stairs alone. Tonks looked on flabbergasted.

She didn't think she ever convinced Mrs. Weasley so fast about anything before.

XxxxX

As she lay in her bed upstairs, she continued to hear the horrible cries of agony. With every one she cringed trying to imagine what he was going through.

_Every month he goes through this?_ She thought, horrified. She didn't know if she could make it through the night just _hearing_ it.

She sat up in the bed, realizing trying to sleep was useless. She never really came here with the intention of doing it anyway. She quietly slipped from her bed and made her way downstairs. She knew where he was, a locked door in the lowest level of the house. As she made her way further down the stairs she could hear the cries becoming louder. She wondered if she should head back but felt that to turn back now would be cowardly, and she was no coward. When she finally eyed the door, with a light peeking through the cracks, she froze.

_He's right in there…_

**Bang!**

The door shuddered and she jumped, frightened. The cries of emotional turmoil were something she could not recognize as Lupins. Lupin was always reserved, kind, and patient. These were screams of agony, sorrow, loss, and hatred. Emotions, she never could sense looking at him, despite if he felt them or not.

_He might die before he showed anyone besides Sirius this side of him, _she thought. Another reason she was sure he would never forgive her if he knew she was there.

Just then the door opened and she moved to run.

_Was he escaping?_ She thought horrified. All that came out through though, was a large black dog, scurrying out quickly as the door closed again behind hit. It suddenly transformed into Sirius Black and he shook himself from the after effect. Without noticing Tonks, he set a sad hand on the door, as if saying good bye. He turned and jumped back at the sight of her standing there in front of him.

"Tonks?" he said astonished. She didn't know how to respond so she just stood there, frozen. "Merlin…" he whistled coming up closer to her. He saw the terror on her face and suddenly became quite soft. "Come on girl, lets go upstairs." He said quietly, gentle touching her arm. As they made their way back up the steps she heard him say,

"Lupin will kill me if he finds out you've been here tonight."

She wasn't sure if he was saying it to her or just in general, so she decided not to respond. He moved her into the library and told her that he'd be right back. After a few minutes, he came back holding two cups of tea and handed one off to her.

"It used to be so much easier when it was the three of us." Sirius reminisced sadly as he sat down on the couch opposite her. "He's been good lately, but tonight, he just wouldn't stop..."

He took a sip of his own tea. "Sometimes it gets a bit much, even for me to watch."

Tonks only nodded, unable to speak on the matter. She couldn't help but feel like she wasn't supposed to know any of this, and yet this is exactly why she came, so that she _could _know.

"Snape stopped making him the wolfbanes potion, the bastard." Continued Sirius, paying no mind to her silence. He was enjoying the company nonetheless. "Says he's too busy now with the Order." He frowned, scowling at himself.

"I know he's just doing it for spite. Sad thing is, Lupin never did much to wrong Snape, it had always been James and I, Lupin just got caught up in it all." He gave a weak smile, and looked at her. She was clutching her tea, looking down at it as if it would give her the courage to speak. Sirius recognized the shock when he saw it. It had been hard on him too when he first saw Lupin shift. He moved over to where she was and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"He'll be okay Tonks, honest. I've seen him at his worst and he's always made it through." He gave her a reassuring squeeze. She looked up at him and gave a small smile. Sirius eyed the clock and decided it was time to head off. He bid her goodnight and before he walked out the door, he turned back one last time to look at his cousin.

"Oh and Tonks… make sure he doesn't see you in the morning or there will be hell to pay." Sirius said with a slight smile. He turned from her and walked out of the library, retreating into his own room.

Tonks wasn't sure how long she sat there, pondering Sirius' words. It felt like an awful long time before she eventually decided to stand up and wander into her own bedroom. She laid on the bed and tried to sleep with the muffled noises coming from below her. She closed her eyes, and although sleep did eventually come, it was filled with tortured sounds and dark movements.

When she finally awoke a few hours later, she immediately looked at the clock to her right. Seven Twenty Nine, it read.

_Good_, she thought. _I can still make it out of here without anyone noticing._

She tiptoed to the door and opened it a crack to see if anyone was in the hallway. She didn't see anyone walking about and she sighed in relief. Just to make sure, she waited another minute before grabbing her bag and shutting the door quietly behind her.

_Please don't trip,_ she said to herself, taking extra care of her steps.

She had just made it to the top of the stairs when she heard a creak of a door next to her. She stopped instantly, not even needing to turn to know who had spotted her.

_No, no, no. This wasn't supposed to happen. _

Frozen in her tracks, she dared to move to her head to meet his solemn eyes. When she finally did, she saw him, leaning on the archway for support, clearly still weak from the night before. He was shirtless with bandages Mrs. Weasley must have wrapped around his midriff. He was holding a bottle of the glowing green Veela potion Tonks had used on herself only a few months ago, and his eyes were unrelentingly focused on Tonks. Every word that she tried to utter in those few seconds seemed to get caught in her throat with the look on his face. There was no anger, or resentment, or sadness, just coldness. The air seemed to have frosted over and his eyes were completely void of any emotion, this scared her even more than his cries from last night.

"Lupin…." She finally managed to croak out, her voice sounding unlike her own. She paused, not sure where to start in her complete begging of forgiveness.

He struggled to stand up straight, trying to give the impression that he was stronger than he was at the moment, and merely nodded his head, as if to say good morning. Then he weakly turned back inside his room and shut the door.

_No! _Tonks cried inside of herself, knowing that she very likely ruined everything she had tried to build with him.

Overcome with emotion she reached for the door and threw it open, hastily stepping inside his room. He had already seated himself on his bed, with his hands cradling his head in solitude. He jumped up startled at her sudden entrance.

"Please… let me explain." Tonks said as calming as she could. She was shaking and took a few hasty steps towards him. She reached out to grab his hand but forgot the Veela Potion was in it and knocked it out onto the floor by mistake.

"Oh!" she gasped. "Oh no, I'm …sorry. I'm so sorry." Her voice was beginning to crack and she struggled to maintain her balance as she tried to bend down to pick up the mess she caused. Before she could kneel down all the way Lupin hands reached out quickly and grabbed both her wrists, pulling her arms together tightly. She looked up at him, hoping that maybe it was a sign of endearment. That he would say it was okay and that it didn't matter.

But his face remained like stone and it took all of her to keep eye contact with the coldness of his eyes.

"Remus.." she started, barely a whisper. Her face was mere inches from his as he held her, his gripped getting tighter.

"Leave." He said, interrupting her. "Just leave. Please." Despite the gentle words, they came colliding into Tonks' heart like ice, chilling her to the bone.

_He'll never forgive me,_ she thought, looking at him now. She felt like melting away into oblivion, but instead she stood up straight, never glancing away from him. Their heads were almost touching and Tonks felt the strong urge to kiss him, thinking that perhaps that would make this all go away. The sternness in his face told her otherwise and she decided to listen. She made to leave but found that Lupins hands were still grasping her wrists, squeezing tighter and tighter as his eyes bore into her.

"Remus…" she gasped. "You're… you're hurting me."

As if suddenly realizing what he was doing he looked down and immediately released his hold on her. He stood there looking down at his hands, horrified at what they had just been doing. Tonks wanted desperately to reach out and consol him, but she knew that it was no use. He would never let her in again. She took one last look at him and then turned to exit the room. When she hit the doorway she paused, trying one last time.

"I'm sorry." She said and with that she flew out as quickly as she could, down the stairs and out the door. She wouldn't see Lupin again for another four months.

XxxxX

An hour or so later, after Lupin had time to clean up and have Mrs. Weasley bring him another bottle of Veela potion, he got dressed and made his way into the library. Sirius was seated at the small table staring once again at the chessboard. He looked up once he heard the loud shut of the door to see Lupin walking straight towards him.

"Lupin!" he jumped up happily and started making his way towards him. He barely made it three steps before he stopped in his tracks, suddenly wary. Lupin was eying him in a very cool manner. Sirius knew this look, and it was not good. After a moment of silence, Lupin eyed several pencils on the desk table and grabbed three of them. As casually as possible he held them between his hands before breaking them all at once and calmly let them drop to the floor at his feet. He looked up giving Sirius the most passive face he could manage.

_Not good at all_, Sirius gulped.

"Ah." Sirius said uneasy, starting to take a step back. "So I guess you saw her then?" He tried his hardest to sound charming and gave a smile, but his charms never did work on anyone but woman.

"It's not funny." Lupin replied motionless, not taking his eyes off his friend. Sirius shifted uneasy.

"Look, its not as if I invited the girl! She just showed up." He said, trying hard to settle this as quickly as he could.

"And you let her stay." Remus reply, raising his voice slightly, the anger building. "She could've gotten hurt!"

"Oh please Remus! Don't be ridiculous." Sirius said, finally moving forward, still scared for his life, but hiding it as best he could. Anger flashed in Remus' eyes, but Sirius ignored it. "That's not why your upset and you know it." Sirius moved to pull out a chair, but Remus' hand grabbed a hold of his arm, stopping him.

"Stop making a joke of this." He said sternly

"I never said it was a joke." Sirius spat back, ripping his arm away from him. He rubbed it tenderly where Lupin had gripped it. "You fancy my cousin and your embarrassed she heard you last night. So stop blaming me because _you _feel guilty!"

Lupins eyes blinked, surprised at the rash claim. It was true that his thoughts had been focusing more and more on Tonks of late, but he had thought no one was the wiser. He had made certain not to bring her up in conversation or ask how she was doing for precisely this reason. His anger receded slightly as he tried to defend himself.

"That's… not true…" he started but Sirius cut in abruptly.

"Merlin, I _hate_ it when you play dumb. James always hated it too by the way." He stated as he angrily sat down, pulling the Daily Prophet that was on the stand next to the couch into his lap. "You've fancied her ever since her pink, purple, and leopard spotted hair started prancing around here. You might think you're unreadable, but you've forgotten I've known you for years. I don't feed into the calm face you put on for show, so stop pretending!"

Lupin stood still silently, watching Sirius turn the pages of the Prophet, frustrated. This is not exactly where he expected the conversation to go. He assumed he would come in, argue, and possible punch Sirius in the face like he so often deserved. It would not be the first time Sirius was at the end of his fist. The old friend seemed to be the only person who could drive him so mad to do something so physical, but now that he contemplated Sirius' words, he wondered for a mire second if he was right. It was highly unlikely that he was, but sometimes, just sometimes, Sirius made a good point. So Lupin hesitated to speak, contemplating whether he had placed his anger correctly.

"And stop over thinking it." Sirius added into the silence, feeling Lupins mind turning. "You know I'm right, so just apologize already." His voice was full of resentment but Remus knew it was all a rouse, a way to emphasize his point.

"You still shouldn't have let her in." Lupin said finally, much more calm and sat down near Sirius.

Sirius looked up from the paper, a scowl still etched over his face.

"Yes, well. She is my cousin after all, you know how we are." Sirius said and straightened the paper in front of his face once more.

"Don't let her do it again." Lupin replied quickly, eyeing him seriously.

Sirius brought the paper down into his lap, "I'm sorry too." He said looking at Lupin and quickly brought the paper back up over his face to hide the smirk starting on it.

Lupin leaned into the chair and sighed, a smile beginning on his own.

_Only Sirius_, he thought.

**Blaah, this was suppose to be a very serious chapter so that you could see the darker, more emotional side of Lupin…but every time I write Sirius into anything it always turns silly. I just cannot write a serious chapter with Sirius in it. He reminds me of that person who would always be ready to make a joke and make any situation seem hilarious. Sorry for those of you who wanted something more dramatic!**


	6. Christmas

**Hey everyone! Sorry for the delay, school work starting to slowly drag me down. This story will probably be updated every week or so. I will try hard!**

**Also, I love adding in inserts from the book to introduce the chapter, but theres just not that many Tonks/Lupin mentions in OotP, so these last two chapters are missing their pairings. Hope that doesn't bother anyone too much. **

**I would like to thank everyone for reading this fanfiction, I always love looking at the different countries that visit here. I had one from Israel and Taiwan! How cool is that? **

**Special thanks to EmS91796, loveislouder94, DanH2010, thepipercuriosity, Kingorin, SuperWritertoTheRescue, Dndchk, and eza2391. You guys have been SO nice with your reviews and it honestly makes my day. Thank you so much! There continues to be, whom I assume is the same person, someone under Guest because they do not have an account. I'd love it if you'd type in a name so that I can thank you! Of course, if you'd like your identity to be shrouded in mystery that's fine too. **

**Thanks again and Enjoy Chapter 6!**

**Christmas**

Tonks walked nervously down the upstairs hall, contemplating when would be the absolute best time to give her gift to Lupin. She had literally spent months preparing it for him, working hard between Order duties and Auror cases, and now all of a sudden she wanted nothing better than to give him a simple chocolate bar instead. The more she thought about giving him the gift she was now holding in her hands, the more she fretted whether it would insinuate too much. He would have to know her feelings as soon as he saw it, wouldn't he? It was far too much of a time-consuming gift to not assume otherwise.

She started biting her nails, stopping in the middle of the staircase. She took in a deep breath to calm herself and clutched his gift tighter. She glanced down at it. She would not be able to give it to him in front of everyone, that was for certain, she thought as she eyed the small object in her hand. She wasn't even sure if she could give it to him at all. It was as if the tiny thing was a full confession of all her time spent thinking about him, about what it might be like to see past the calm demeanor, or about what it might be like to _be_ with him. Not to mention that it was the closest thing she could manage for an apology from the last time she saw him.

She shook her head. No, she definitely could not give this to him. She was sure she'd die on the spot. She had arrived late last night, after Order duty to find that everyone had already drifted off to their own beds to sleep. She originally planned to try and sneak it into his room and leave it there, but became overwhelmed with ludicrous thoughts when she was outside his bedroom door.

_What if he was naked?_, she had thought. Some people do that, don't they? Of course, the fact that it was the middle of winter didn't cross her mind until after the fact. It had been much more convenient to remember the small detail later, so that her cowardice at the time could go temporarily unnoticed. After having argued within herself for some time in the hallway, she eventually decided to just give it to him in the morning.

She felt her palms beginning to sweat at the thought of finally seeing him after all these months. Not a single day had passed when she didn't wonder about him and if he'd ever forgive her. She looked back down at the present in her hand and was certain this would be the only way to forgiveness.

Just then, she heard an exchange of playful screams as Ginny, Harry, and the twins came charging down the hallway. Ginny was running in front as the three boys behind her tried to catch up. She was holding a rather odd painting in her hands as Harry called out not to break it. She laughed and sped past Tonks, flying down the stairs, the twins following close behind. Upon seeing Tonks, Harry stopped suddenly and caught his breath.

"Thanks for the firebolt model, Tonks." He said breathing heavily. "Are you going down?"

She nodded and smiled at him widely, forgetting all her nervousness. As they made their way down the rest of the steps she slipped the small object in her hand to the inside of her jacket, hoping she wouldn't fall anytime before she got the courage to give it away. They reached the kitchen and Tonks looked around earnestly for the face of Remus as she stumbled over to her chair. Mrs. Weasley had her back turned towards the stove and was stirring something in a pot

"Wotcher, Molly!" Tonks said cheery. "Happy Christmas! Did you hear from Charlie and Per- ow!" she exclaimed as she reached down to rub the spot on her leg where Fred had kicked her under the table. He gave her a wary eye and nodded his head towards the end of the table. She saw a red jumper lying on top, a giant P knitted into the front. She cursed herself for not remembering, as Mrs. Weasley turned around, trails of tears still obviously left on her face. She gave a weak smile to Tonks and handed a plateful of eggs to her and then turned around again without a word.

"So, I hear Arthurs better…" she tried, desperate to redeem herself. Mrs. Weasley barely gave a noise of agreement, still facing the stove.

Tonks thought it would have been a perfect time for Lupin to walk in. He was always the best at complimenting Mrs. Weasley, making sure she felt over appreciated for her timeless efforts in the kitchen and taking care of all the Order members. Tonks was sure that out of everyone, Lupin had to be Mrs. Weasleys favorite, and she couldn't blame her because Tonks felt exactly the same way. It was odd not seeing him there, usually he was the first one up, already seated down with the Daily Prophet in hand.

"Is Remus here?" she asked as she scooped up a spoonful of eggs into her mouth.

"Afraid not," said Sirius, as he walked in with a bounce to his step. There could be no denying the happiness that Sirius was feeling over having everyone there for Christmas. He had lights and Christmas decorations streaming through the halls to a point where the house almost seemed lively. Tonks smiled at him as she eyed his Santa hat. He sat down next to her and gave the biggest smile she'd ever seen him sport before. " He's late coming back from a mission," he continued, moving the hanging cotton ball from his hat, out of his eyes so that it lopped over to the right side of his ear. "Mad-eye was with him and said they were compromised." He shoved a great scoop of eggs onto his own plate as he continued. "Guess somewhere coming back, they had to split up. Mad-eye supposedly came back into town early this morning, but theres been no word from Lupin yet."

Tonks dropped her spoon back onto her plate. They were compromised? What did that mean? She squirmed in her seat trying not to look overly worried, but felt as though she was failing miserably. She looked over at Sirius for more in depth information but he seemed pleasantly busy eating his own eggs, clearly done with his tale and not looking any less cheery for it. In fact, he had said the whole thing so nonchalant that it was making her even more nervous. Noticing her silence, Sirius looked up from his food and gave a smirk.

"Don't you worry," he said with a chuckle. "I'm sure you two will be reunited soon enough." He gave her a knowing wink.

Merlin, she wondered, am I that obvious?

She knew she always went straight towards him during the meetings, making certain she sat down next to him, but she tried hard to keep their open conversations in front of everyone appropriate and friendly. Had they all noticed her staring at him during certain points? Or that she always tried to touch him when she could? She felt a blush start to creep up her neck and she quickly morphed it away. It was ridiculous, she hadn't seen him in months and if anyone had thought she was oogling him before, surely they would have forgotten about it by now. The Order members had far more important things to think about than dwell on Tonks' love life.

The rest of the morning went on extremely slow, from Tonks point of view. Random Order members shuffled in and out of the house, greeting and wishing everyone a happy Christmas. Every time the doorbell rang and Mrs. Sirius start shrieking, Tonks was the first one to jump up and run towards the noise, always to be disappointed by the visitor. Mad-Eye had finally come by midday and she pressed him for more information on last nights mission. Her questions came out before he had a chance to even sit down, much to his annoyance, and when he began answering her, he was so vague that Tonks wanted to slap him at one point. Everything was so secretive around here it was starting to drive her mad. Eventually she gave up on trying to get any details out of him and sat down next to Ginny on the couch in the living room, shaking her leg with anticipation. Ginny eyed her oddly.

"You okay Tonks?" she asked, smirking slightly.

"Hm?" she replied, not really listening. Ginny pointed to her hair, which earlier this morning had been a bright pink bob, and now hung as a shoulder length dull brown. With all her worry she must have morphed it back into her own "real" hair.

"Oh!" Tonks said surprised, not even realizing she had done it. "Sometimes its got a mind of its own…" she winked and crunched up her face to turn it back to pink, which caused a laugh from Ginny. Tonks watched as Hermione made her way from her spot next to Ron and moved toward them, grabbing a book off the nightstand next to Ginny.

"Whats that smell?" Ginny said curiously, looking towards Hermione and sticking her nose into the air for an extra whiff. Tonks followed suit, trying to distinguish the slight new aroma that had encircled them.

"Hermione, are you wearing _perfume_?" Ginny asked flabbergasted. Tonks saw Hermiones face turn into a flushed pink color as she quickly shoved the book under her arm. In the corner, Rons head had suddenly popped up.

"It was a gift." She mumbled and she turned away quickly, retreating back to where she had come from. Tonks smiled to herself as Ginny giggled uncontrollably next to her.

"God _awful_ smell…figures he pick out something hideous like that." Ginny said, recollecting herself.

Just then Tonks heard the sound of the front door shut and she sat up instantly, straining to hear footsteps. Unable to sit, she ran to the living room door and peered out down the hallway.

There Lupin stood, lanky, tall, and disheveled as ever. He was calmly removing his scarf from his neck and placing it on the coat rack next to him. Tonks could barely contain her excitement as her heart raced with the fact that he had finally arrived and without any hesitation or thought to who saw what, she ran up to him and practically jumped, wrapping him into the tightest hug she could manage while knocking over the coat rack in the process. Lupin, caught unaware, fell back a few steps with a loud "ufgh" as she collided into him. After realizing that it was a certain pink haired beauty that was hugging him, he earnestly returned the favor, slowly moving his arms up her back and smiled into her shoulder. As his arms enclosed her, she squeezed even tighter.

"You came." She said in barely a whisper. "Mad-Eye said…" but she decided not to finish her sentence and simple breathed his scent in instead.

"Of course I came." He said holding her closely. "Its Christmas."

There was a loud cough from behind Tonks and she realized just how tightly she was holding onto him. She quickly removed herself from his grip and turned to see Mrs. Weasley, Mad-Eye, and Sirius standing behind them. She smiled shyly and tucked a hair behind her ear.

"We were_ all _very worried." Tonks said matter of factly and shuffled her feet on the floor.

"Indeed." Lupin replied with a smile, as he eyed Sirius' Santa get-up and the Christmas decorations lining the hall. "I can see you were all waiting around anxiously, anticipating my arrival."

Sirius gave a short laugh and moved to shake his hand.

"Glad to have you, mate." And Sirius brought him into his own, less lingering hug.

Lupin looked a sight, snow covering his jacket and boots, with his nose pink from the cold. It was a wonder he kept warm with all the holes that riddled his coat, Tonks thought as Mrs. Weasley and Mad-Eye exchanged greetings with him. Mrs. Weasley already looked much more happy with his arrival and as Lupin took off his hat to reveal disarrayed hair underneath, Tonks couldn't help but think about how boyish and young he seemed compared to the last time she had seen him.

She stepped back from him, suddenly remembering what had happened the last time she'd a conversation with him. She looked at him desperately searching to see if he was still angry with her. He only smiled at her and she calmed slightly before remembering how easy it was for him to hide his feelings.

He's probably boiling up inside seeing me here, she thought. Oh Merlin, and I _hugged_ him.

She would have to give her present as soon as she could, so that they could enjoy the rest of the day together. She decided that when he came up to give her his, no matter who was around, she would exchange hers with him as well.

Unfortunately as the day went on, she found that Remus never came up to her to exchange any kind of gift. He sat near her in the living room, smiled and asked her how she had been the past few months, and even retrieved some Christmas pudding for her from the kitchen, but never exchanged a gift. As the hours passed, she became more and more wary, eventually concluding that he must have been so angry at her that he never even considered getting her a gift to begin with. If possible, her nervousness increased with this realization and she tried to imagine how to get him alone to apologize. The task seemed impossible until Mad-Eye mentioned that Lupin and him were supposed to escort the Weasleys to St. Mungos this afternoon to visit Arthur. Lupin jumped up suddenly at Mad-Eyes words, looked at his watch, and then politely excused himself from the living room. Tonks eyed him curiously.

Now or never, she thought and she quietly followed him out the door. Once in the hall she saw him disappear into the library and she nervously followed, placing her left hand on her jacket pocket, feeling were the present laid. She took a deep breath in before opening the door, to find Lupin standing over a table in the back with his wand out, hovering over an item she couldn't quite make out. Lupin jumped at the noise of the door shutting behind her and quickly turned so that his body was covering up what was on the table. He looked as though he'd been caught doing something rather mischievous and Tonks would've smiled at the thought, had she not felt so flustered.

"Tonks," Lupin said calmly and he smiled broadly at her. "Just the person I wanted to see." Tonks faced scrunched up in confusion. This was not the greeting she expected.

"Er...I am?" she replied, stepping closer to try and get a look at what he was hiding.

"Always." He smiled politely and she couldn't help but give him small smile back. He could be very charming when he wanted to be, she thought. She shook her head slightly, cursing herself for already being so easily distracted. She took a determined step forward.

"I haven't had a lot of time-"

"I missed you!" she blurted out before she could stop herself, interrupting whatever Lupin was about to say. She froze, realizing what had just come out of her mouth. She was sure that she had meant to say 'I'm sorry", but somehow there had been some kind of miscommunication from her brain to her lips. She could've smack herself as he stared at her dumbfounded, not sure of what to say to the sudden confession.

"I-" he started again, but Tonks moved quickly by his side already committed to explaining herself.

"No, please let me finish or I'll never get this out." She said desperately. "I'm so sorry for that night and I-" she breathed, where was all her courage disappearing to? "I hated being away from you for so long. Honest, it was terrible trying to have a conversation with only Sirius this whole time and I- I missed you." She reached her hand shakily into her jacket and fumbled to pull out the small bottle she had been carrying with her all morning. She nervously handed it over and without a word, Lupin took it calmly from her hands, studying it in his own. It was filled with a light colored substance that he was sure he recognized but couldn't quite place where. He turned it over in his hands curiously.

"Its wolfbanes potion." She said meekly, realizing he had no idea what she had given him. His head shot up immediately at her words and looked at her with an expression of utter amazement.

"How…" he trailed, not able to understand.

"Last time I was here, Sirius told me that Snape had stopped making it for you. I –uh- went to Dumbledore and volunteered that if Snape was too busy, perhaps he could convince him to give me a few lessons on making it." She paused, looking at him. He seemed in shock and hadn't moved since her first words. She shuffled uneasy, not sure if this was helping her case for forgiveness or damaging it further. " I excelled at potions in Hogwarts, and it…it took a lot of persuasion on Dumbledores part, but Snape finally agreed to it. I think he was happy to finally rid himself of the responsibility." She continued, trying to see a clear reaction in his eyes. "I don't think he likes you too much." She smiled weakly, trying to make light of the situation. The air had suddenly become very thick, and Tonks was finding it hard to breath.

"I-…I can make it for you every month…" she added quietly after it was clear Lupin was not going to say anything. "I'm sorry." She whispered looking down.

At her last words, Lupin finally moved, shifting his weight to one side of his body. He took a glance back down to the potion in his hand and threw the other one in his hair and sighed.

"Tonks…" he said quietly. He was having a hell of a time trying to grasp this overwhelming extent of kindness. The moment and feelings conjuring up within him reminded him of another time when three young boys sat him down and told him they were Animagus. He stared at her, as he had done to them, trying to find the right words of gratitude, but no words were ever good enough he had learned.

"You are the most kind person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing." He managed to say slowly, and hoped that the simple statement would seep into her and reveal all his hidden meanings behind it. Tonks looked up to meet his eyes, a smile beginning on her face.

"I doubt that, " she said jokingly, finally feeling as though she was regaining some dignity in the conversation.

"Anyone who would endure hours within Severus' company on account of a werewolf is an incredible person, no questions asked." He replied back seriously and he knew it was true as he said it. He stared at her, still unbelieving.

The last few months, without her cheery and wholesome presence, had been tantalizing for him. He had bickered within himself countless times about the growing affections he was having towards her. He had tried to rationalize the sensations that had been running through him every time Tonks had been around, silently denying to himself the most obvious answer. But looking at her twinkling eyes now he realized how futile those attempts had been. He knew why her eyes always made him stutter over his words and why his face flushed every time she smiled at him. Any doubt or opposition that lingered in his mind before was permanently cast aside when she hugged him at the door today and only further proven with their current conversation.

He was certain he had fallen in love with the woman standing before him and it seemed preposterous at the moment, after her more than generous gift, to even attempt to fight it.

"I'm afraid that my gift is nothing quite as miraculous as yours is." He said, clearing his throat uncomfortably.

"Your gift?" Tonks asked confused, blinking.

"Yes, that's what I was trying to say earlier when you came in." He moved away from her and picked up the item that was on the table and stretched his hands out for her to take it. " I didn't have time to wrap it, sorry."

Tonks looked up at him in shock. He had gotten her a gift after all, she thought. She slowly took hold of the glass case he was handing over. She peered inside and found a single flower standing up, almost hovering inside. It was a beautiful vibrant color of purple and Tonks marveled looking at it.

"Its beautiful." She said finally. She couldn't remember anyone ever getting her flowers before and she looked up at him smiling.

"Its charmed." He said suddenly anxious. "When that one dies, another completely new species of flower will take its place with a different hue and it will keep going on and on like that forever. I couldn't decide on a gift, so I tried to find the one with the most color." He smirked at her. " I figured maybe it could give you inspiration for your hair."

She beamed. Not only was he not mad at her, but he had gotten her a very thoughtful gift on top of it all. She placed the gift down, as calmly as she could manage, trying to hold back the excitement racing through her body. She wanted nothing more than to hold him and despite the voice in her head telling her not too, she wrapped her arms around his waist and whispered a quiet thank you. She reveled in his warmth and smell, taking an extra moment to bury her face into his chest. The movement was too intimate for friends, but she didn't especially care. She had yearned to see him and hold him for far too long a time to even think about letting him go. If he felt awkward about the embrace he didn't show any signs of it. Unlike so many other times, when Lupin had stiffened at her touch, he now seemed to be leaning into it, relaxing his body against hers. She suppressed a smile as his arms wrapped around her shoulders, pulling her in even closer to him.

"Happy Christmas." He said, squeezing her. And after a moment "I've missed you as well." as he placed his head on her shoulder with an inaudible sigh.

Tonks knew that in order for this hug to be considered platonic, as it should be, she needed to release him within a few short moments, but she just couldn't bring herself to do it. She decided she would only let him go when he had finally become uneasy about it, knowing that this would likely be the only time she could get away with so much intimate contact.

But what seemed like minutes passed, and neither of them pulled away, they simply stood there, holding each other closely and a small, dangerous thought ran through Tonks head as he continued to hold onto her.

Was it possible, that just maybe, Remus Lupin felt the same way about her as she did him?

The idea had never once even been contemplated in her mind before this moment. She knew how she felt, but she was sure that Lupin saw her as much too young and much too 'Sirius' cousin', to have even considered it, but now she couldn't help but wonder. His touch was so tender, so l_oving. _Surely he didn't hold everyone this way.

She pulled away from him slightly, just enough to view his face, searching for an answer. He looked down at her and her eyes focused in on the smile twitching on the corners of his mouth.

His gorgeous tempting mouth, she thought as she subconsciously started slowly leaning her head in towards his. Lupin stood still, his mind completely blank as heat rushed through his body, unsure if she was actually going to do what he thought she might do. Tonks hesitated for a brief moment before placing a quick and chaste kiss against those lips and retreated back rapidly, slightly horrified at her boldness. Lupin closed his eyes at the touch and barely had a chance to appreciate what was happening before she had pulled away, causing a small sound similar to torture to escape his mouth. His eyes remained closed an extra moment, almost afraid to face the possible consequences of what just happened and enjoying the tingling sensation she left on his mouth.

When he finally reopened them, and found Tonks studying his face closely, he immediately thought that the rushed kiss was not nearly satisfying enough. Tonks thought his face as unreadable as always, but relished in the fact that he had not pushed her away or recoiled at the contact, feeling that it was as good of a sign as any. She was about to wish him a happy Christmas when she saw that his head was slowly moving closer down towards her own and her words got stuck in her throat. Lupin felt all logic and reasoning leave his body as he inched closer to her, yearning for a more intimate kiss.

"GOD REST YEEEE MERRY HIPPOOOGRIFFS'!"

There was a very loud bellow of a Christmas carol being sung from the room adjacent them and they both jumped apart startled. Within seconds, Sirius' loud singing seemed to have caused a domino effect of blunders outside the library door. Mrs. Sirius began screaming down the hall again, which followed with loud clunky footsteps and shrieks from Mrs. Weasley scolding Sirius for being so noisy.

They both stared at the door, not sure how the room had gotten so warm around them. Tonks took a glance at Lupin and saw that he had taken another step back away from her. His face seemed pained in some way, void of color, and lost in deep thought. She took a step forward towards him and watched as he recoiled back slightly away from her. She frowned.

"Thank you for the gift." He said collecting himself. His words came out so formal, obviously trying to forget about the intimacy they had shared only a moment before. "But I really must ready for St. Mungos."

With a very curt and emotionless nod he walked towards the door and left. Tonks stared after him, standing alone in the library. Despite the fact that their encounter had just ended in a very dubious way, she couldn't help but smile to herself because she had just kissed Remus Lupin, however brief it had been, and she was certain that he had meant to kiss her back.


	7. A Call from Snape

***Dumbledore heaved a great sigh and continued, 'Alastor Moody, Nymphadora Tonks, Kingsley Shacklebolt and Remus Lupin were at Headquarters when he made contact. All agreed to go to your aid at once. Professor Snape requested that Sirius remain behind, as he needed somebody to remain at Headquarters to tell me what had happened, for I was due there at any moment. In the meantime he, Professor Snape, intended to search the Forest for you.**

**'But Sirius did not wish to remain behind while the others went to search for you. He delegated to Kreacher the task of telling me what had happened. And so it was that when I arrived in Grimmauld Place shortly after they had all left for the Ministry, it was the elf who told me - laughing fit to burst - where Sirius had gone.'**

***Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Chapter 37**

XxxxX

Lupin sat idly at the kitchen table, staring into his tea. His thoughts running away from him, contemplating the recent months and his sad attempts at trying to avoid Tonks. After Christmas, Remus had more than chastised himself for his incredible moment of weakness with her. Up until that crucial point, he had allowed himself to reminiscence of their times together, sometimes delving into the light possibilities of how she might kiss…or feel.

But not anymore.

In the past, he had convinced himself that those thoughts were innocent and of no matter since it was clear to him that they were a one sided issue, an old and lonely mans wishful thinking. They were never to be reality, and he had been grateful to that.

Now, staring into the ripples running through his tea, hes realized the dangers of those simple thoughts. At Christmas he was so close to allowing them to become tangible, so near to granting his inner most wishes. The small dangerous and reckless side of him that he so often shifted to the inner most corners of his mind had appeared in that moment when she was thanking him, urging him to respond to her. For a brief moment, he didn't care what the outcome would be, as long as he answered the question of how she tasted, something that he had shamefully meditated on all year long.

He cursed himself and shook his head, remembering his folly. It had been one of the few times Lupin was thankful for Sirius' obnoxious behavior. Since realizing the error in his method, he decided after the New Years to avoid as much contact with Tonks as possible, making sure to leave Grimmauld before she came and that the seats at Order meetings were filled next to him with Mad-Eye and Sirius. He never let his mind wander anymore, or at least stopped himself before they got too far. She had tried to corner him several times after the incident and each time Lupin made sure to find some excuse to duck out of the conversation before it got to far. Every time he did so, he saw a hurt and confused face cross Tonks' features as he moved away from her and it made it hate himself even more. It had to be done, he convinced himself, she'd be better off for it later.

It wasn't as though he didn't want to kiss her, or...many other things with her. He did. Good Merlin he did. But it was impossible in his mind that anything good could come of it. There were so many things wrong with the idea that Lupin didn't even know where to start. She was much too young and eager, and he was much too poor and dangerous. The very idea that a werewolf could consider a functioning love life seemed so utterly ridiculous to Remus that he had long ago cast aside the idea and had become content with his lonely fate in life. He had been very satisfied all his young life with this ideology, convincing himself that he was saving himself the worries of a complicated relationship. He had grown up watching James and Sirius torture themselves over girls and he quietly had triumphed in the fact that he would never have a chance to go through such things.

But now things seemed so different. He would gladly accept the sticky situations of a normal relationship if he could only hold her and kiss her whenever he liked. The pros of this tradeoff seemed to far outweigh the cons and nothing was more worth it to him than Tonks.

He gave a small groan, realizing his thoughts were once again lingering on her and quickly took a sip of his tea just as Sirius came bounding in.

"Where the hell is Kreacher?" Sirius practically yelled at him from the other side of the table. Sirius had been in terrible spirits lately. Most of it was due to the unfortunate re-estimation of Lupins tactics around Tonks. Remus had been limiting his time at Grimmauld for fear of running into her and took it upon himself to purposefully spend more time on missions if he could. Sadly, he neglected to realize the effect this was having on Sirius, someone who lived for social contact. Sirius was down yet another companion in the house it seemed and Remus had failed to notice it until just in that moment.

"Last time I saw him was in the library, talking to himself again. I believe he was cleaning out the fireplace." Moody replied calmly, taking another sip of his tea.

"Cleaning?! Please Moony, don't be daft." Sirius gave him a scowling look before noticing the odd face Remus had on. He looked…nervous? Although he wasn't entirely sure if that was the correct word. Sirius had been noticing small changes in Lupin in the past few months, mostly with his appearance. His clothes seemed even shabbier, if possible, and the circles under his eyes seemed to be turning shades darker each day. He eyed his friend.

"Whats on with you?" Sirius asked, coming over closer to Remus.

"Nothing." Lupin replied as collected as possible. He gave a winning smile and took another sip of his tea. Sirius continued to stare at him suspiciously. He knew that Lupin had said it so convincingly that it was obvious to him it wasn't true. He took a short step closer to the man sitting down, already feeling that he knew what was troubling him. The anger once so prevalent on his face, now disappeared as he moved, replaced with worry.

"You know you can't hide anything from me so why do you always try?" Sirius said, taking yet another step and pulling out the chair next to Remus to sit down. Lupin gave a sigh and a wiry smile towards his friend.

"Why is it that you always think I'm hiding something? I can assure you I'm not." He began to stand up as soon as Sirius had sat down, trying hard not to get caught in a conversation he wasn't yet ready to have and began bringing his empty cup to the sink.

"Its Tonks." Sirius says bluntly almost bored, and Lupin, startled at the words, accidentally dropped the cup in his hand onto the floor.

"Bloody hell." Lupin muttered as Sirius gave a small chuckle. Lupin quickly pulled out his wand and mumbled a quiet 'reparo' before reluctantly turning back to his best friend. Sirius smiled smugly up at him, knowing his guess had been correct and with a roll of the eyes Lupin retreated back into the chair. He stared at Sirius quietly with a blank face, making it obvious that if Sirius wanted to know what was going on, he was not going to willingly share it. Sirius eyed him thoughtfully; already knowing what thoughts had past through his friends head for the last year. He gave a sigh, feeling that despite how smart Remus was, he could be absolutely hopeless sometimes.

"Stop god damn over thinking it. Don't you think you've already gotten a shitty enough end of the stick in life?" He said rather grumpy, frustrated with his friends behavior. "You should be appreciating the fact that something good has finally happened."

Lupins remained still, used to Sirius brusque words. He cocked his head slightly to the left.

"You know whats stopping me." He said quietly keeping his eye contact with Sirius.

"Yea, I do. And once again I'll tell you how much of a wanker you are to still be hiding behind that lie." Sirius spat back.

"Its not a lie. It's the curse of reality." Lupin replied while bringing his head back up. He gave a small jump as Sirius slammed a fist onto the table angrily.

"I'm so tired of your bloody self-righteous priorities!" Sirius said standing up, as if not being able to stand being so close to the cause of his anger. "I think thirty some years is enough of forcing yourself into solitude, don't you?"

Remus' cool eyes remained on him, unflinched by Sirius' sudden outburst. If Sirius had to endure thirty years of Remus's moral standing, Remus has also had to endure thirty some odd years of Sirius' emotional outbursts. Remus could swear that he was now so accustomed to his friends explosions that he could start counting them down to seconds.

"Your reasons never stood true with James and me so why couldn't there be an exception to Tonks as well?" Sirius continued, now pacing the floor while lecturing his friend. Rage is etched on his face. "We both lost everything the first time around Remus. _Everything_! The difference is you still have a chance of redeeming some happiness in your life, where as me, I'm trapped in this hell-hole, haunted by terrible memories of the Blacks!" Sirius stopped for a second, catching his breathe and running a shaky hand through the black hair that had fallen in front of his face during his rant. Remus can't help but give him a look of pity, realizing the tortured honesty in his words.

"Do you realize that everyone of us turned into a tragedy? _Do you_?" Sirius said coming close to Remus. "Peter turned into a traitor of the worst kinds, James and Lily _**died**_Remus… before they even had a chance to live. And me? Look at me." Sirius said throwing his hands hopelessly into the air. "I'm useless and angry as hell at the world." He pauses placing a hand on Remus' shoulder. "You were the only one of us who ever had a smidge of a chance, and now your running away from it. I was so bloody happy to escape Azakban, to finally find you. But when I finally did I realized that you had _willingly_ put yourself into your own prison all those years too. It killed me to see that. You might as well been in Azakban with me mate."

Remus blinked at him, knowing that his speech dripped with so much truth, he was ashamed to have never noticed it before.

"I would like to see at least _one_ of my best friends come out better from this war." Sirius said, taking a step back from him. "We've already sacrificed enough for it."

He stood there silent for a while, retreating into his own thoughts of the words he had just uttered. Both men long knew them to be true, but neither of them had ever said the words out loud. Now that they were so blatantly communicated, the air seemed heavier for it.

Lupin stared up in shock at Sirius, not fully grasping the idea that Sirius had shared something so intimate. It was odd to say the least. Sirius had regular outbursts, even when they were young, though slightly less often, but they were always bitter rants about the Blacks or teachers, nothing nearly so exposing as this one had been. Remus felt an array of emotions swell inside him. Pride, love, remorse, pity, all mixed into one. Since when had Sirius become so profound? He had chastised Remus for his behavior, which was nothing new, but he had _correctly_ chastised him, which was an entirely new concept. Sirius was right.

"Dare I even mention of the incredible odds of a beautiful and funny woman like Tonks falling for someone like _you_?" Sirius says with a smirk, interrupting the silence that had filled the room. "If I was you, and thank Merlin I'm not, I would grab the first woman that came my way and snog, shag, and love her until the rest of my days." Sirius gave a friendly laugh, eager to return the conversation to a less serious one.

Remus only continued to stare at him, still contemplating his words from before. The sudden realization of Sirius' complexity made Lupin remember another time when he had doubted his friend.

"I'm sorry I never believed you Sirius." He said solemnly, remembering.

Sirius, still standing gave him a look of confusion, not understanding his meaning.

"When you were in Azakaban…I'm sorry I never doubted what was said about you. I accepted it as a reality when I should've fought to get you out." Remus replies.

Sirius' face dropped quickly at the confession and stood still, doubtfounded. "Well that's… that's besides the point, Moony." He began, not sure what he should say.

"Still." Lupin interrupted. "I never said it to you and you've never ask, which only makes you more of a friend than I could imagine." He paused, an overwhelming feeling of regret filling inside of him. " There was a time when I did find happiness. It was in Hogwarts when I made friends with the two best people in the wizarding world all because a small blacked haired boy forced me too." He smiled for a moment at the thought before it quickly vanished again. " I should've known."

Sirius couldn't help but to shift his weight awkwardly. He scrunched up his face, looking almost pained, still eyeing Lupin. They were certainly turning into woman, he thought as the sentimental conversation ran through his mind. He searched desperately for the right words but came up with nothing. He had forgiven Remus a long time ago and wanted nothing better than to forget what had happened all those years ago. They had both made so many mistakes back then.

"I like you too Moony." He said half joking and Lupin let out a brilliant laugh, finally releasing a lightness into the room again. Sirius smiled with him.

"I'll try and heed your advice then." Remus added after taking a breath as Sirius started to turn to leave the kitchen, not thinking he could handle anymore thoughtful conversations.

"Oh good." He replied, pausing at the door. "Then you can start tonight because Tonks and some others will be here in about five minutes." He gave a wide smile as he saw Lupin freeze with tension.

"You. Arse." Remus said shocked, staring at him. "You've been stalling me this whole time!" He said accusingly and began to move towards Sirius.

Just than the doorbell rang and Sirius literally jumped out of Lupins reach as the cries of Mrs. Black began. Lupin could hear Sirius laughter carrying through the hallway and he could already feel the burning red sensation starting to run throughout his body at the thought of seeing Tonks so soon. He gave a loud moan of defeat as he started heading out the door down the hall to join Sirius and the guests who had just arrived.

XxxxX

After polite conversation, Kingleys, Moody, Tonks, Sirius, and Lupin finally retreated into the library, where they had, as Lupin had said, found Kreacher peering around the fireplace. Sirius cursed at him and asked Kreacher to fetch refreshments for the guests. He had just been informed by Moody that Dumbledore was to meet with them as well, some point tonight to go over something 'incredibly serious', as Moody had put it. It had seemed to Lupin that Sirius' mood lifted slightly at this news. Time had passed by quietly as the few members conversed with eachother.

She looks gorgeous, Remus thought, eyeing the electric blue haired beauty from across the library. Remus was currently standing with Kingleys on the opposite end of the room, trying desperately to focus his attention on Kingleys conversation with him and not on the back of the head of Tonks. He had stared at her relentlessly for the past hour since they had come, unable to focus his mind on anything other then how much he longed to talk to her. Had it been two months since he last saw her? He couldn't remember, he could have sworn it had been much longer than that. Seeing her now and feeling the way he was, had to be some sort of testament of his addiction to the colorful witch.

When they had first arrived, Lupin had bravely held a conversation with her and she responded so kindly to the gesture of him finally talking with her that the smile on her face and the sparkle in her eyes never stopped showing for the entirety of their conversation. Unfortunately, Lupin found himself becoming so nervous under her dark eyes that he eventually excused himself, feeling as if she could literally see the sweat forming on his brow.

Now he was determined to try again. Just as he was about to excuse himself from Kingsley, however, Sirius cried out a loud yell from where he was standing near the fireplace.

"What the devil do _you _want, Snape?" he cried into the fireplace. As Lupin looked more closely he could see the head of Snape clearly made from the flames of the fire. That was odd, he thought. Snape had never flooed them before. The other members in the room started making their way over to where Sirius stood.

"I believe that Harry Potter and several other students might have just left for the Department of Mysteries." Snape said with a slight panic in his voice.

"What?!" cried Sirius and Lupin at the same time, horrified.

"How could you have let this happen?!" Sirius added, raging at Snape through the fire. Snape scowled in response.

"The boy is nonsensical! They left under the impression that you," he said nodding towards Sirius "are being held prisoner there."

"Merlin," Tonks said "Its bound to be a trap, we have to leave _now_!" She already began grabbing her wand, Sirius and the others closely following her example.

"Sirius, I'd advise you to stay where you are." Snape said, slightly smug. "We need someone at Grimmaulds for when Dumbledore arrives to tell him what happened."

"Like bloody hell I will! I'm not staying here you idiot while my godchild is about to face Voldemort!" Sirius spat back, hatred dripping off of his words. Lupin grabbed his arm lightly and Sirius shrugged it away.

"He might be right Sirius." Lupin said quietly, readying for his friends second outburst of the day.

"BUGGER OFF!" Sirius yelled, red in the face. "I'm going to Harry!" He turned suddenly and looked at Kreacher, who had huddled himself into the corner.

"Kreacher, tell Dumbledore where we went when he gets here, understand?" Sirius yelled at him. Kreacher nodded his head with what Lupin could have sworn was a smile, but Sirius turned back on him before he had time to contemplate it any further.

"Good enough?!" Sirius roared at him. Lupin merely pulled out his wand and readied to disapparate, decided that it was more important that they don't waste anymore time.

He waited until Kingsley, Moody, and Sirius had gone and all that was left was Tonks and him. She looked at him, almost pleading with her dark eyes, now full of determination.

"Be careful." She said in barely a whisper and then disappeared before he could respond. Lupin followed close behind her.

**A/N:**

***Sniff** I had to get in one good Remus and Sirius chapter before the dreaded fight of the DOM. *Sigh, I'm sure you all know what the next chapter will be like….

Thank you all for being so patient, I know I'm a little late on my 'weekly' updates. But I'm going to try and get another one it asap.

Special thanks to everyone who has commented! You guys are great!

To **Cassie3**, **tPOH**, and **Rachrocksdotcom**- Thank you all so much! I'm glad you are enjoying this fanfiction as much as I am writing it! I wanted to thank all of you, but neither of you have an account…so I will in my chapters! Thanks again! **tPOH**, I think its great that you'd check this everyday, but I assure you I won't be able to post that often lol. I promise to get a chapter in a week, if not more! Hope I do not disappoint you too much.


	8. Aftermath

***'Madam Pomfrey is patching everybody up,' said Dumbledore 'Nymphadora Tonks may need to spend a little time in St Mungos, but it seems she will make a full recovery.'**

***Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Chapter 37**

**St. Mungos/Aftermath**

Everything was so dark, so pitch black dark. Where am I?, she thought. She couldn't feel anything. She tried to move her body but it was much too heavy, as if something was sitting on her, hindering her movements. And there was a pain, an excruciating pain shooting up through her chest area. Tonks tried to take a breathe but barely managed any air before the pain worsened. She cringed, trying to remember…anything. All she could think about was a hideous laugh, a womans laugh. But besides the horrible cackle now ringing throughout her mind she couldn't recall what had happened or where she was…or why she couldn't move. If she had any logic or energy left at all, she might've panicked, but she only laid there, cold and dumbfounded. Whatever had put her in her current state it couldn't have been very good.

Then she heard something …voices? They seemed very far away, hardly a whisper, and yet they seemed awfully familiar. Her head felt heavy as she strained to hear what they were saying.

"It wouldn't be the right time…" said one

"Theres never going to be a right time..." Said another.

" I will do it." said a third.

She moaned with agony as another shot of pain overtook her and the whispers around her turned to silence. She began desperately trying to open her eyes, determined to see who the voices belonged to. She could only manage to pry them open a sliver, the light around her blinding her temporarily. There was a man. Two men…and a woman. They all looked rather odd, and fuzzy. She blinked trying to focus but it didn't help. Their faces unrecognizable to her. She tried to speak, but nothing came out except another groan. One of the men moved towards her quickly and she felt something warm on her hand. She wanted to squeeze back, but nothing moved.

"Tonks." The mysterious man said. She merely looked at him, confused by the worried look in his eyes. Who was he? She knew she knew him but….

She closed her eyes, hoping it might help her remember and then suddenly everything went blank again.

XxxxX

"Sir, I'm sorry but you can't be here." She heard far away.

"I'm not leaving." Said a mans reply.

"You can't-" the woman tried again.

"I'm _not_ leaving." He said again, but his tone was frightening, thought Tonks. She silently begged whoever was speaking with him to leave him alone, afraid of what might happen if they didn't.

Tonks' wish must have come true since she heard nothing else and she nervously slid one of her eyes open to see if the two voices were still around her. Everything seemed so bright and almost glossy. Her eyes refused to adjust, giving her a headache. She turned her head slightly to see a man sitting next to her bed. His head was cast downwards into his one hand, looking perplexed and miserable. His posture was radiating remorse and despite the fact that Tonks couldn't place where she knew this man from she felt a surge of pity run through her at the sight of him. She tried to reach out her hand, subconsciously, to consol this poor creature, but could only operate her index finger to move slightly leftward. The movement was enough for the man to suddenly look upright and face her. His eyes poured out relief and surprise as she gazed back at him, not saying a word to her. A small smile began to move across his face and Tonks felt a calming and pleasant warmth cover her body at the gesture. She closed her eyes and felt herself smile back before sleep overcame her again. Right before it did she could have sworn that she felt a warm breath against her cheek as a small voice whispered "Your going to be okay."

XxxxX

She gasped suddenly; an aching feeling coursing throughout her body had overwhelmed her. She touched her hand to her head, feeling where a light sweat had formed. She opened her eyes and tried to begin sitting upright.

She was in a small room, a hospital room. St. Mungos, she thought as she scanned around. But what had brought her here? She struggled within herself to remember. Everything was choppy. She remembered being in the library at Grimmaulds…and then they had to go somewhere…to Harry, she thought. She stopped suddenly realizing that there was a man sleeping in a chair in the corner of the room. His overly long limbs hung over the small chair uncomfortably and his breathing seemed forced in some way.

"Remus." She whispered thoughtfully. How long had he been here?, she wondered.

Just than a young woman came in quietly through the door, carrying a tray of potions in her hands.

"Finally awake are you?" she asked politely, setting the tray down next to Tonks. She smiled friendly at her and then, noticing that Tonks was still staring at Remus, gave a large sigh of annoyance.

"Wouldn't leave, that one." She said, obviously upset over it. Tonks looked at her confused. "Started a right fit when my supervisor came in to kick him out, but he's been quiet enough I suppose." She continued and handed Tonks a potion to drink.

"How long has he been here?" she asked taking the potion in her own hands.

"Just as long as you've been deary." She said with a small chuckle "Nice to have a man like that by your side, isn't it?"

Tonks just stared at her, not sure how to react. She glanced over at Remus again, a small burst of warm energy charging through her at the thought of him remaining by her side and the fact that this woman obviously thought them a couple.

"Drink up now." Said the woman to her left, and Tonks obliged happily, already feeling the aching pain that had woken her up before disappearing. She gulped it down quickly and handed the empty bottle back to the woman.

"What was that?" She asked yawning.

"Sleeping potion." The woman responded kindly. Tonks gasped, horrified.

"But I just woke up!" she said annoyed, feeling slightly tricked. She had barely managed to think two cohesive thoughts before the place wanted her asleep again. It seemed rather unfair. She gave the woman a dark stare, already feeling the effects of the potion beginning their charms on her. She felt herself unwillingly lay back down into her plush pillows.

"I know deary, but after what you've been through, you need it." The woman said, taking the covers and pulling them over Tonks. She slowly began feeling the heaviness of her eyelids and cursed at herself for her inability to fight off its influences.

"But.." she started sleepily. " I have…so many questions." Her eyes almost closed.

"All in due time…" was the reply.

Tonks focused in on the sleeping man in the corner. His head suddenly rolled to the right of his shoulder awkwardly. His tall frame sat cramped in the chair uncomfortably and Tonks wished she could do something to make it better.

"He needs a pillow." She heard herself say before dozing off completely.

XxxxX

The next time she woke, she heard shuffling of feet near her as a voice said "Oh dear, she still looks rather peakish, doesn't she?" The reply to the question posed was a few grunts of agreement from around the room. Tonks popped an eye open to view her visitors.

"Its because I haven't been able to eat any of your food Molly." Tonks replied with a weak rasp in her voice. The four visitors in the room who seemed to be talking amongst themselves all immediately turned to her in surprise.

"Nymphadora!" she heard Kingsleys say excitedly as Mad-Eye, Lupin and Molly all clambered over to her bed. She groaned at the name.

"Kingsley, please." She said and he gave a laugh of understanding while taking a step closer to her.

"Had us all in a frenzy for days!" Molly said, but she was beaming as well, clearly happy to finally be seeing the young woman awake. Tonks looked from one person to the next studying their faces. Molly looked like she was on the verge of tears from happiness, while Mad-Eye gave a gruff smile as if silently communicating "constant viligence!". Lupin just stood there, staring down at her, his face unreadable. Unlike the others he was not smiling and she wondered whether she had done something to upset him. She gazed passed them, trying to remember everything that had happened, and a dawning of realization hit her unexpectedly as she recalled the reason for her predicament.

She fumbled to sit upright and looked yearningly towards them.

"The children?" she started but Lupin cut her off quickly before she could wonder any longer.

"Harry and his friends are all perfectly fine." He said solemnly. "Some of them have been recovering as well from various spells, but they will all heal." The news should have put her nerves at ease but something in the way he said it seemed off, and it gave Tonks a shiver. His voice wasn't as calm as it usually was and she swore she heard a break in it somewhere. She looked at him, confused and trying to read between his words.

Something had happened and they weren't telling her, she was sure of it. Realizing she would learn nothing from Lupins expressions, she turned to Molly, who was fidgeting with the sheet on the bed.

"Molly?" she said questioningly and Mrs. Weasleys head shot up to reveal a look of misery as her eyes glossed over. The expression sent Tonks into a panic. She looked around the room at the others and realized who was missing.

"Wheres Sirius?" she said suddenly frightful. The mention of his name sent a cold shock throughout the room and she watched as one by one the people around her stiffened their postures. At least, all of them except Lupin, he just stared at her with a saddening expression. She begged to make eye contact with the rest of them, the fear inside of her starting to escalate. "Where is he?" she asked more desperately.

"Oh I…" began Molly and she cut herself off and looked towards Lupin who gave her a reassuring nod. Molly, taking his subtly hint, started directing Kingsley and Mad-Eye along with her out the door to leave the two alone. Once they were out the door, Tonks directed her attention fully on Lupin, her eyes boring into him.

"Remus Lupin, you answer me right now." Tonks said shaking. His tired eyes reluctantly lifted up to meet hers and there was so much grief in them that Tonks already began shaking her head no in disbelief. Tears starting flowing down her face, finally realizing the truth. Sirius had not made it.

"Tell me …" she began but her cries had now turned into sobs and her words were lost in them. Lupin sat down next to her on the bed and slowly pulled her into him. The gesture should have made her calm down and get a hold of herself, to further demand an explanation, but instead it only made her cry harder and she grasped tightly at his worn clothes, pulling herself as tight as she could against him. Her tears drenched his shoulder as Lupins hands caressed through her hair, trying hard to calm the woman in his arms down.

Holding her usually made him feel a frenzy of emotions, but now all he felt was cold and despondent, unable to confront the reality of the situation, or perhaps more correctly, _unwilling_.

Tonks held onto him for dear life as her sobs eventually quieted down into light sniffles of remorse. She refused to let him go though, sure that he could make it all disappear. That if anyone could, it would be Remus Lupin.

Nothing would be the same, she thought as another stroke of Lupins hand carefully ran through her hair. Nothing…and than her cries started up all over again.

XxxxX

Tonks quietly stepped into the dark hallway, a smell of nostalgia hitting her as soon as she entered. Sirius had seen Grimmaulds as a nightmare, something to forget, but for Tonks the place was a constant reminder of his memory. Almost all of her jokes, and conversations with the man had been inside of this house and even though his name was blasted off the walls and not a picture of him was in here, she could not help but think of him every time she came back.

She inched her way down the hall, careful not to trip over anything. She didn't think she could deal with Mrs. Blacks shrieks today. Tonks didn't bother calling out to anyone, she knew no one was here. There was no meeting and most members were taking breaks from the recent events. There was no Order reason to be at Grimmaulds, only personal ambition brought her here. She had to check, just to make sure.

She moved from room to room, making hardly any noise at all, searching through the portraits on the walls. She knew her hunt was in vain, but she still clung onto a small hope, she couldn't help it. Finally, she reached the drawing room, the only place she hadn't looked and the tiny glimmer of hope was now starting to disappear entirely.

She opened the door quietly and peered inside. Slowly as she could, as if trying to stall the inevitable, she made her way through the room and stopped when she spotted the old and worn tapestry hanging on the wall. She inched closer to it staring at the spot where Sirius' name should have been and without reason, gingerly rested her fingers against the burnt mark. She let out a deep sigh and placed her forehead against the wall, finally coming to terms with reality.

"No, you wouldn't be here would you?" She whispered to herself, a sick feeling of sadness overwhelming her. She stood there a few moments in silence, grasping onto the truth.

"I've looked as well." said a voice from behind her and she jumped at the noise. She turned to see Lupin standing in the doorway looking disheveled as ever. Without another word, Lupin quietly took the few steps across the room to stand by her side, eyeing the tapestry himself.

"Hated this place, but I thought that…maybe…" he trailed, not needing to explain himself. It was for the very same reason she was standing here also. She looked up at him, pondering how he must be feeling. Tonks had only known Sirius a little more than a year and she had grown so fond of him, but her remorse for her cousin seemed almost unjustified in comparison to the loss it must mean for Lupin. The last of his friends, and a person he had thought he lost before no less. The idea of how lonely and heartbroken Lupin must be feeling was enough for Tonks to start crying all over again.

Lupins eyes remained focused on the tapestry, not daring to look at her.

"He shouldn't have gone with us." He said, almost to himself. For the past few weeks he had felt so numb, so empty. He wanted to cry, but couldn't find the means to. Nothing was right and everything seemed misplace and uncomfortable no matter what he did. He had tried retreating into the library several times but the entire place shook him to his core with the memory of Sirius. He swore every time he glanced over to the chess board, he could see him there, hunched over it. There was no place he could hide away, no one he could consol in. His friends had left him behind to suffer alone and he felt almost angry at them for it, but mostly just…cold. Lupin had never been so chilled in all his life. The feelings he had been trying to keep in check had been coming out in sudden spurts throughout the month, a throw of a teacup at the wall randomly, or a single tear tracing its way down his face. The thought of these weaknesses brought on a small surge of anger. Damn him, Lupin thought briefly.

"He would have never stayed anyway," Tonks replied, shifting her weight to view Lupin more closely.

"Yes but he should have!" Lupin replied rather loudly, the frustration of his friend finally surfacing. The yell had caught Tonks by surprise and forced her to step back an inch, certain it was the first time she had ever seen Lupin hold a glint of anger in his eyes. Her recoil pulled Lupin quickly back into himself and he immediately regretted his outburst. Feeling ashamed, he ran a shaky hand through his unkempt hair and sighed, calming himself.

"I'm sorry…I didn't." He looked up at her, her face full of worry. "That wasn't meant for you." He quietly finished and gave her a look of apology, feeling rather foolish.

Tonks stood still for a moment, understanding his behavior, and than boldly moved to stand next to him closely.

"He loved you." She said sternly. "I'm sure he never said it, but even I know that he did." She placed her hands on his cold face, determined to get her point across. "There was nothing that you could have done differently. _Nothing._ Sirius was a stubborn bastard and we both know that." Lupin gave a weak smile, but felt his eyes begin to burn with tears desperate for release. He was a second from pulling himself away from her, not wanting her to see his imminent collapse, before she moved her hand from his face to his neck and pulled him into a tight hug, not giving him the chance for escape.

Her warm body pressed firmly into his and as he rested his face into her shoulder, he felt as though her arms were literally squeezing the tears out of him. Once they began, he could not get them to stop. A moment ago he had felt nothing at all and now in her arms, a flood of grief rocked through him. He knew moments after this was over he would be overcome with embarrassment, but he couldn't help his current blubbering state. His cries were silent and muffled into her shirt and Tonks said nothing as she held him, some of her own tears gracing her face. He was shivering and softly biting into her shoulder, trying hard to silence his agony, but she could feel the wetness of his tears through her shirt and she only clung to him tighter, assuring him it was okay. Moments passed as Lupin cried silently into her shoulder, and Tonks couldn't help but think how even at his lowest, he still managed to have a gentle sort of break down.

Once his weeping became more controlled and less frequent, Tonks pulled her head away from his shoulder and tried to look at him. His eyes were swollen red, and his face was ghostly white. She gently used her hands to slowly and carefully brush away some of the wetness still on his cheeks and he shuttered under her touch. There was something so honest and vulnerable about the way he looked that it had Tonks suddenly very weak in the knees. She sighed heavily and closed her eyes as she brought her forehead against his and continued to hold him.

"It will be okay…" she whispered, more for reassurance to herself. She felt his hand move from her lower back, gingerly up to her cheek, never once loosing contact with her. She leaned her face slightly into his hand, her eyes still closed and then she felt his staggered breathing against her face and she opened her eyes to see that his face had inched even closer to hers.

"Will it?" he whispered unsure of himself. He then leaned down to slowly graze his lips with hers, a dire need of filling the large void inside of himself. She let out a soft noise of approval and Lupin needed no more encouragement before he kissed her again more passionately, pulling her body against his. She moaned softly into his mouth before feeling his hands move up and down her back eagerly, trying to memorize the feel of her muscles. The kiss was desperate and full of intensity, as if he was aiming to flood her with all of the emotions he had been feeling for days. His grip was so tight that she was certain if he let her go she would fall to the floor. She arched into him, gasping at his touch and she felt herself being slowly pushed into the wall behind her, his body rhythmically moving against hers as his hands found the bottom hem of her shirt. He kissed her feverishly as he slowly allowed a shaky hand to slip underneath and trace the skin of her lower back. A soft groan of relief escaped him at the softness of it and he continued to passionately massage at it, letting his fingers gently dig into her as his embrace became deeper and more longing.

The cold numbness enveloping him for weeks, vanished from the hot kisses being exchanged. In its replace was a feeling of utter bliss and absolute thrill, a warmth of enthusiasm coursing through his veins. He could feel his heart quickening with every sigh and heave, wanting the glow within him to never stop. He had been yearning for this moment for so long, he didn't think he would ever be able to let go of her again.

An earnest hand slowly moved up under his collar and back down again, starting to nip at the buttons of his shirt. The movement suddenly knocked Lupin back into sense and he forced himself to pull away from her. A moan of agony filled the air as Tonks hands were abruptly empty, a coldness quickly surrounding her.

"No." Lupin said with swollen lips and a look of revulsion etching his face. Tonks stared, her chest still heaving as she slowly tried to regain her breath and understand what had just happened. Lupin took two steps quickly towards the door and then turned around to face her again. Seeing her standing there, confused and dazed, it took all of him not to march right back to her and start where he had last left off. He shook his head violently, ridding himself of the thought and stared back at her.

"I'm…I'm so sorry." He blurted out, unable to control himself. What has he done?, he thought as Tonks started to move closer to him. He took a step back, holding out his hand to her. "This…cannot happen." He said as sternly as he could, but his voice was already starting to break and the tears that had stopped before were now insisting on coming back full force. Merlin, what was _wrong _with him, he wondered. He was completely falling apart, he thought. Tonks made to move next to him quickly, desperate to not let him pull away from her again when they had just finally made good again. She reached out her hand to touch his face and he ducked away from it.

"I'm sorry Tonks." He mumbled out and looked at her in despair. The hurt in her face was too much to look at and he turned to walk out the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked feeling completely lost in his behavior, but he never stopped to answer and continued to walk out the door. She stood there a few moments, full of shock and misunderstanding. _Why?,_ she thought and without another hesitation she began to sprint after him, determined to demand the reasons of his actions out of him, a sudden flurry of anger and resentment streaming through her at the thought of his repulsion. When she reach the hall though, he was no where to be found and when she quickly opened the front door she saw the swift movement of his Apparation disappear.

**A/N:**

**Perhaps a little too dramatic? Its difficult because I think that their story_ is_**** pretty dramatic, its just hard to make sure I don't get too caught up in it though… :-)****  
**

**The next chapter will probably take a short while to get up, since this is now the last chapter I will use from OotP. The next one will start Half-Blood Prince and I need to brush up on the events of that book before I start writing incorrect information. **

**I hope you've enjoyed this chapter though! Thanks for reading!**


	9. The Summer Prior

***They set off toward the lane that led to the school. **

**"How did you find me?"**

**"I noticed you hadn't left the train and I knew you had that cloak. I thought you might be hiding for some reason. When I saw the blinds were drawn down on that compartment I thought I'd check." replied Tonks**

**"But what are you doing here, anyway?" Harry asked.**

**"I'm stationed in Hogsmeade now, to give the school extra protection," said Tonks.**

**"Is it just you who's stationed up here, or-?"**

**"No, Proudfoot, Savage, and Dawlish are here too." **

***Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince Chapter 8**

The Summer Before

She stared at him unrelenting, refusing to drop her eyes from his. An unyielding need for an explanation from Lupin had gnawed at her repeatedly for the past month and a half. Tonks had never been a patient person and this was definitely something she could not wait for. Her eyes bore into him, communicating harshly the words she wasn't saying.

Lupin, on the opposite side of the table, had been trying to casually avoid her gaze, but as the past year had proved, he was never very good at abstaining from Tonks. He looked on at Mad-Eye, as the boisterous man gave his speech about reassignments, trying hard to concentrate on what Moody was saying. His attention was faltering though, his mind thinking only of the woman across from him and what she must think of him. Even though his face was turned away from her, he could feel her dark eyes on him, pouring out the hatred she was undoubtedly feeling for him. Eventually, Lupin could no longer refrain from the desire to look back and gave into it. When their eyes met a small thrill pulled through him, despite the fact that her eyes seemed to stare back, full of contempt. One thing Lupin had finally concluded about his feelings for Tonks, was that it was something entirely beyond his control. He would never be able to control his lingering thoughts of her, or the warm sensation that developed around him every time she was around. No, that was one thing he could never hope to gain authority over. He couldn't discipline his feelings, but he _could _manage his actions. His lycanthropy had taught him that. It was pointless to try and over power the wolf within him every month, but he made sure to keep himself well away from people in possible danger from it and that's exactly what he would do with Tonks. As he continued to stare back at her, he heard Moody say something about "Hogsmeade" before Molly interrupted him.

"Moody, I think we're all a bit tired. How about we break for a minute and I'll ready dinner before we continue again?" Molly said in a tired voice.

There were grunts of agreement from around the table as several people already began to stand up to stretch their legs. Mad-Eye had no choice but to comply and gave a snort of disapproval from the lack of endurance from his fellow Order members. Lupin took this opportunity to quietly slip out of the kitchen, trying hard to avoid a conversation with the woman he knew would come after him. He made it to the top of the stairs before he heard the steps running behind him to catch up.

"Remus." She called out coldly, stopping him in his tracks. He turned around slowly to view her. Her hair was a flaming red, which was obviously a mimic of the boiling feelings brewing inside. She looked like a gorgeous distant relative of a Weasley family member, Lupin thought kindly and spared a moment to himself to appreciate her beauty. He knew she was here to converse about something incredibly serious and yet he could not focus his attention on anything besides how fantastic she looked even with a grave face on. He suppressed a small smile at the revelation and tried to speak.

"Tonks," he sighed, determined to find the right words to explain himself. He had spent the past week preparing a full fledged speech to give her, practicing it with himself on the side to make sure he got all his points clearly across. Now standing before her, his mind couldn't remember one word of it, and he began to stutter around his words. " I-I am sorry for what I did."

"No your not." She replied quickly. She tooks a few confident strides towards him, a sternness in her voice. "You wanted it just as much as I did." Lupin paused, baffled from the curtness of her words. Remus knew he cared for Tonks more than anything, but a large percentage of his argument for not acting on this relied on the assumption that Tonks did not feel the same way. The assumption had always been deceiving and slightly misrepresented, especially considering her reactions with him since Christmas, but he kept them nonetheless. They had easily fed into his long term insecurities. He looked at her, knowing that there was no misinterpreting her feeling towards him now.

"Why did you leave?" She asked as he continued to stare back at her. Her voice threw him back into reality.

"It was a mistake Tonks." He said resolutely and forced himself to look at her. "It never should have happened."

"But _why_?" she cried out, her voice lost of its seriousness and suddenly strained. "Because you're a werewolf? Because you're older? Why?!" Her hands placed themselves on his shoulders and shook him softly, begging for an answer. Lupins gaze broke under the desperate plea and he tried to turn his head, withdrawing from having to reply. What could he possibly say that would make her understand, he thought.

"Remus," Tonks whispered, her voice breaking "I don't care what the world _thinks_ you are, because I know the truth." She crooked her head, determined to meet his eyes as he struggled to turn away from her. If he wouldn't admit it, than she would, she thought bravely.

"I love you." She said loudly, echoing the pride she felt in the declaration. " And I don't care who knows anymore." Her arms flew up above her as she said the last part, finally letting go of him. Lupins heart betrayed him as an enormous gush of affection ran through him, heating his entire body. At first, his face lit up immediately before his head caught up with him and his features fell quickly into a somber expression. An internal battle raged inside himself.

His body begged him to take ahold of her and kiss her. He longed to admit and show her just how much he loved her back. He wanted it so badly and yet it seemed like something so wrong to want. Tonks deserved more, needed more. She had no idea the danger he was to himself and others, she had only ever had a glimpse of what disease plagued him and he never wanted her to see that side of him. He was broken, in more ways then one. His heart never healed completely after James and Lilies deaths, and now Sirius had finally left him also. He was certain the void in his heart would always be there, a constant reminder to all he's lost and would never be again. The spirit and light illuminating through Tonks would be crushed from the old pessimistic man he had become and he was determined that his lycanthropy would affect nobody but him. He could never love her properly. He could never make her happy, he was sure of it. She had misguided her affections and he had to make her see it.

Sadly, there was only one way he could think of deterring her attachment to him. Under the sharp gaze of her beautiful eyes, he panicked and settled on denial.

"Tonks." Lupin finally replied, his mouth already beginning to dry from the answer he knew he didn't want to share. "I can't love you." He paused to look up at her, making sure that she could read his face. If he was going to be dishonest, he had to do it convincingly. "At least, not the way you want me to." As soon as he had finished a feeling of disgust instantly began to stir itself within the pit of his stomach.

There was only but a few short seconds before Lupin felt a strong sting against his cheek and a loud slap rang through the hall.

"You're a rubbish liar!" Tonks threw back at him, fury carved along her face. Lupin touched his hand to his cheek, trying to lessen the sharp burn she had caused on it. He stared in shock at her, looking as innocent as a wounded puppy as Tonks struggled to maintain her breathing. He was sure she was about to slap him again before Mrs. Weasley voice rang up to them from down the stairs.

"Remus?" Molly called up. "Are you up there?"

With a drop of his hand, Lupin instantly returned back to his usual calm composure.

"Yes Molly." He replied back down to her, staring at Tonks the entire time. "What is it?"

"I have dinner ready!" She said back. "If you see Tonks could you tell her too?" There was a quiet retreat of steps as Molly began heading back to the kitchen. Tonks, feeling as though she was about to be sick in Lupins presence, took one more hard look at him before quietly descending the stairs herself, leaving Remus to reflect alone.

You divvy, he cursed at himself and sighed heavily as his hand shot back up to rub his cheek roughly. He stood at the top of the stairs for what seemed like forever, not sure if he could fake a decent façade with Tonks after what just happened. After taking a few deep breathes, he forced himself to rejoin the meeting, preparing himself for the awkwardness he would be feeling all night while Tonks was still around.

When he entered the kitchen though, she was nowhere to be found. Many of the members were still standing, reluctant to sit back down until absolutely necessary. He searched through them, wanting to catch sight of where Tonks was so that he could ultimately avert that area. Before he had a chance to complete his search, Molly sprang up to him and bade him to sit down as she handed him a plate already made up.

"You've been looking terrible lately Lupin, you must eat." She lectured, sitting down next to him as if to make sure he would oblige. She diddled around her own plate, looking perplexed as Lupin struggled to swallow the food in front of him.

"Do you know anything about Tonks?" Molly asked suddenly, looking up at him innocently. Lupin gulped loudly as he let the words run over him.

"What do you mean?" he replied as calmly as possibly.

"Well she left in a right rush just now after talking to Moody. I just wonder if shes been okay since…" Her voice trailed off as she gave Lupin an unsure glance. He nodded at her knowingly. It was still hard for him to say his name as well. " I just wonder if that's why she volunteered to be reassigned to Hogsmeade." Molly continued looking worried.

Lupin dropped the hand that was holding his fork hard on the table. She did what?, he thought suddenly alarmed. He would never see her, he panicked. Hogsmeade was much too far and several of the Order members already over there were only in correspondent with Dumbledore and Minerva. They did not come to the meetings often, if at all, and usually it was only one of them. Something told him that this person would probably never be Tonks.

And what if she was in trouble?, he thought to himself. She knew he was leaving at the end of the summer to spy on the werewolves, he wouldn't be able to come to her aid there, for fear of being spotted.

Remus became consumed in his thoughts as Molly continued to talk at him, not noticing the anxiety now outlining his features. Her words were lost to him as misery overtook him. This is what he wanted, wasn't it? For her to move on? He supposed he just never realized how quickly she would heed his request. The bleakness of their situation seemed to finally hit him and a sense of melancholy filled the room around him. He coerced his hand to pick up another spoonful of food, feeling a dire need to hold on to some normalcy. He munched on it slowly, unable to taste anything.

"Its just…oh I don't know..." continued Molly from his left. "I've been thinking." She paused and looked at Lupin hesitantly. "Do you think that perhaps Tonks was _in love_ with Sirius?"

The spoonful of food Lupin had been in the midst of swallowing suddenly stopped midway in his throat. He struggled to breath as he choked and gagged, trying to force the food out. He gave several loud coughs that brought Molly to her feet before she began slapping him on his back.

"Lupin!" She cried and she ran to the sink to grab a drink of water. By the time she returned he finally managed to remove the obstruction and take a few short breathes. He gratefully took the drink from her hands and gulped it down nervously, all the while Molly stood by him, eying him dubiously with one eyebrow disappearing into her red bangs. Once he was finished he calmly set the drink down and turned to her.

"Thank you." He said quickly, but he stopped short once he saw a curious look in her eyes. He should have looked away, but something about the way she was looking at him made him pause. He watched in horror as a look of understanding seemed to click inside of her and the face of confusion gave way to a look of complete pity.

"Oh Lupin…" she said softly as a hand came up to her mouth in shock.

If there was anyone besides Tonks that Lupin had trouble lying to, it had to be Molly Weasley. The womans endless hospitality and compassion made him feel as though he were lying to his own mother. He reminded himself to take notes from the twins one day as he stared back at her, unable to respond to what he knew she now understood. The hand moved from her mouth to his shoulder slowly.

"You fool." She said with a large amount of sympathy. He knew he could try to deny it, but that hadn't worked so well with Tonks either and figured that even if he did, the gloomy frown on his face had already given him away moments ago.

He stood up quickly, feeling as though the air had thickened.

"I'm heading off then." He said quietly to Molly. "Thanks again." Without another word or glance at Mrs. Weaselys' expression, Lupin took himself through the door and left.

**A/N:**

Sorry for the belated update (**Cassie3**). Wanted to make sure I knew what I was doing for the next few chapters. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed. Special thanks to **DanH2010** , **AndrewtheGreat1** , **EmS91796** , and the elusive "**Guest**" commenter. :-) You four are always commenting and I want you to know how much I appreciate it!

It'd be great to know how everyone feels about this chapter, I'm slightly unsure of myself for the next "round" of chapters during HBP, as I didn't plan this far...:-) I am open to suggestions


	10. A Change in Patronus

**A/N: **

**Whew, can't believe I finally made it to chapter ten! I also can't believe thirty plus people are actually following this story and that I've hit 50 reviews. In my opinion I think the Tonks and Lupin coupling is not nearly as popular as say…Ron/Hermione, Hermione/Draco (really Hermione and anyone…) or even Sirius/Lupin, so I take the reviews I get as a small feat! Thank you to everyone who reviewed!**

**Several things I would like to say, sorry if the notes are a bit long this time. First is that several of you mentioned the way I portrayed Tonks as a stronger character than most ppl write her. Maybe its because I'm a twenty three year old feminist…but I always pictured Tonks as quite independent and strong. I mean, she is an Auror and trained under Moody right? That said, I hope everyones not too disappointed because the next few chapters will be full of a broken and depressed Tonks. Its 100% canon that she looses her will to 'function' during HBP because Lupin is a no good heartbreaker and since I'm keeping this particular story (or trying to) to the books she will not be so strong in times to come.**

**Thank you for all of the suggestions. I've combined a lot of them into ideas already for the next few chapters to come. Thanks again!**

**To Margot- Wow, I can't begin to explain how kind your review was. I completely agree with your take on fanfictions, though I do sometimes think I use them as an out for fantasies as well…just not in this particular Fanfic, but it was my intention to make this one canon and to the book. I'm glad you believe I'm doing a good job at this! Fantastic to hear from you and I will try and take your suggestions into account.**

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***"She can't change her appearance like she used to," explained Hermione. "I think her powers must have been affected by shock, or something."**

**"I didn't know that could happen," said Harry.**

**"Nor did I," said Hermione, "but I suppose if you're really depressed..."**

***Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, Chapter 5**

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Chapter 10

Tonks sat alone in her flat, staring blankly at the wall in front of her. She wasn't sure how long she had sat there, she just knew that the moment she had gotten home from the Ministry, she begrudgingly dragged her feet into the living room and miserably sat herself down on the sofa, not moving since. Her thoughts had settled on one thing only all day and it continued to torment her as she sat perfectly still by herself now. The memory seemed to be ripping pieces of her heart away, shredding them into bits over and over again as it played repeatedly in her mind.

She wasn't sure what she expected Lupin to do when she told him, but the romantic optimist in her had thought that once she admitted it and forced it aloud, he wouldn't be able to deny the remarkable chemistry between them anymore. He would have finally accepted the love he deserved and she had been sure it was the nudge he needed to bring him to his senses.

But it hadn't happened. Her confession didn't coax the truth out from him, it had instead strengthen his need to reject her.

The thought forced her to scrunch up her face in an attempt to forbid the tears from coming again. She hated crying, whether it was by herself or not, and tonight she felt as though she had never cried more in her short life. She had finally stopped herself moments ago and begged her eyes to not start up again. Her head span as she concentrated on all the reasons not to throw herself back into a fit, but this proved harder than she thought since she was certain there weren't too many reasons against it.

_I told him I _loved_ him_, her mind echoed to her and the burning sensation in her eyes finally gave way to streams of tears once again. She sobbed quietly to herself remembering the face that had looked back at her when she said it. She had never told another man she loved them before. She had always figured the moment would have been magically, more meaningful than anything she'd experience. Instead it had turned into one of the most haunting moments she could have imagined.

The room seemed to be slowly closing around her, getting smaller and making it harder for her to breath. She stood up quickly, forcing herself to move and roughly brushed the wetness from her cheeks.

She had to get out of here, she thought solemnly. She could send Hestia a message to meet up with her, she didn't live too far away.

Tonks walked quickly to the bathroom, feeling if she didn't hurry up and leave than she might change her mind and decide to lay alone all night, despondent and hopeless forever. As she made her way through the door to the loo, she stopped abruptly, catching sight of herself in the mirror. She looked ghastly, a red puffiness encircling her eyes, over exaggerated from the equally red hair she had been sporting for the day. Her skin seemed grey-like and the usual sparkle radiating from her eyes was now gone, replaced with a dull almost morbid look. She ran her hands over her face delicately, not positive she could even recognize herself anymore.

What has he done to me?, she thought dismally. She cursed herself for the power one man seemed to be having over her and commanded herself to put a stop to it. With a strong feeling of determination, she scrunched up her face to change her appearance into something more suitable for a night out.

She waited a moment, readying for the rushed feeling to overcome her, but the quick shifting sensation that usually went through her never happened. She popped one of her eyes open to find herself facing the exact same appalling features. Her eyes widened in shock.

What was going on?

A small fear began bubbling inside of her as she quickly scrunched up her face again pleading within herself to make the shift.

_Purple, purple, purple!_ she thought wildly

She watched as the red in her hair disappeared sporadically to reveal a dull brown color.

"No!" she cried at herself, giving way to a sudden state of hysteria. She began crunching her face up again and again, convulsing with fright. She thought of every color in the rainbow before frantically giving up on her hair and began trying to change her facial tones instead. The redness of her eyes and grey tones of her skin remained despite her frenzied efforts. The only thing squeezing her eyes brought her were more tears, feeding even further into her panicked state. Her last try turned her face bright red from holding her breathe, as she silently implored her body to morph. She gasped suddenly for air and a set of harsh and broken sobs began to pour out of her uncontrollably.

This isn't happening, she thought panicked. She dashed back into the living room, picking up her wand. She had to send Hestia a message right now.

"Expecto Patronum!" she shouted out hoarsely. A light blue and wispy spark flew out of her wand and disappeared quickly into the air, taking no shape at all. She gasped in horror.

Its not possible! She assured herself, feeling feverish. She just needs to calm down is all.

"Expecto Patronum!" she tried again and another blue spark erupted from her wand before falling feather like onto the floor.

_Happy_ thoughts, you have to think happy thoughts, she told herself repeatedly, fighting back the tears springing from her face from her repeated failures. A vision of Lupin handing her chocolate on a summers night sprang through her mind as she cried out once more.

"EXPECTO PATRONUM!"

A very large creature blasted out of her wand, making her fall back a step, and sprinted violently throughout the room encircling her. Tonks dropped her wand in bewilderment, watching as the giant furry animal dashed around her, thoughts of her message immediately forgotten. She stared in confusion as the werewolf ran through her, disappearing and she dropped to the floor, unable to handle the crushing feelings accumulating around her. Any amount of strength left seem to drain out of her as a fit of cries echoed from her mouth violently. She stared at the floor unable to control the giant tidal wave of emotions now running through her. How could she hate and love a man so much at the same time? She was livid and so broken. She wanted to kill him and yet make love to him all at once.

"Why is he doing this?" She asked irrationally to the empty room in-between sobs.

The weight of it was all too much to bare alone and she grasped shakily for her wand on the floor next to her. There was only one place she could think to go and without standing up and still crying, she Apparated there.

XxxxX

"Good Merlin! Tonks!" Mrs. Weasley cried as she opened the front door to the Burrow. The woman before her was barely recognizable, the normal vibrate hair now limply hung in a strange brown color and her face looked as though it'd been through a war.

Tonks tried hard to take a step into the house, but gasped in pain as she grabbed her left arm.

"I think I splinched myself." She mumbled weakly at Molly and the red-headed woman quickly grabbed under Tonks right side and helped her inside the house.

"What happened?" Mrs. Weasley asked terrified as she slowly set Tonks on the one of the kitchen chairs. Once Tonks was seated comfortably, Molly pulled out her wand and began healing the wound on her shoulder.

"Nothing happened Molly. I just…" Tonks paused, not sure where to even begin. " I just had an accident." She finished. She knew she had come to confine in Molly about all her troubles, but now that she was here she was beginning to feel as though she made a mistake. Mrs. Weasley was not one for keeping secrets and Tonks would die of embarrassment if anyone besides her found out what was going on, especially if Lupin heard word of it. The last remaining pride in her would be damned if she allowed him to see the state he put her in, despite the fact that a small side of her wanted him to feel the guilt he aught to.

"You look terrible and this isn't just from splinching. I'm not daft." Mrs. Weasley scolded her as she put the last finishing touches on her injury. Tonks rolled her shoulder in relief and looked up at the kind woman.

"Thanks." She said humbly as Molly took a seat next to her at the table.

"Is this about Remus then?" She asking softly, looking at Tonks with a mixture of pity and sympathy. Tonks eyebrows shot up quickly at her statement.

"How do you-?" she started

"Mere observation." Molly stopped her shortly and placed a comforting hand on her own. "You've both seemed so distant lately, took me a while but I finally figured it out that it wasn't just because of Sirius' death." She gave Tonks' hand a gently squeeze before standing up to grab two cups of tea. When she sat back down and handed the hot cup to Tonks, she noticed the glaze of tears beginning to form in her eyes.

"Oh deary," she said as she grabbed a hold of the young girls hand once more. "I've know Lupin a long time now. He'll come around eventually. I'm sure of it."

Tonks gave a short laugh at this idea.

"No Molly, I really don't think he will. He's very…determined." She finished and gave a small smile before silent tears started rolling down her cheeks, realizing the truth of her words. She would never be with Remus.

She wiped the tears away as they came and Mrs. Weasleys face consorted into a pained expression.

"Remus has been through a lot in his life." She explained, trying to give the young woman in front of her some encouragement. "I'm not sure he's ever fully loved _himself,_ let alone allowed someone to do it for him." She sighed, thinking of the ridiculous nobility of the man in question. " He most certainly has never let a woman in his life before and I think it scares him more than anything how much he cares for you."

At this Tonks breathed in a struggled gasp through her sobs and looked dubiously at Molly.

"He _does_ care for you, whether he trys to hid it or not. Its obvious to those that know him." She said defiantly, giving Tonks a confident nod. Tonks blinked at her, she knew the woman was trying hard to make her feel better, but she was sure she didn't know the full extent of Lupins perseverance.

"I told him I loved him Molly." She said quietly, holding the warm cup in her hand and looking down into it. " I _told_ him and he…he just turned away from me." She turned up her head to see Mrs. Weasley throw herself back into her chair slowly with an exasperated 'humph' at her words.

"The bloody git." She moaned to herself and Tonks almost smiled at the sight of Mrs. Weasley cursing. Cursing no less, about one of her favorite people in the world. Tonks was wondering whether she should show her the change of form in her Patronus before Molly interrupted her thoughts.

"I'll talk to him." She said driven and slapped her hand on the table with a new determination as Tonks looked on in horror.

"Oh no, Molly. Please don't!" she cried out. This was exactly what she had feared would happen. " I couldn't bare it. You can't let anyone know. Please, promise me." Mrs. Weasley seemed moments away from a lecture at the request before softening her face and eventually shook her head in agreement, sighing.

"You're both fools than." She said sadly, but Tonks ignored the comment, happy to have convinced her otherwise. She was about to ask for more tea when they heard a knock at the door.

"Oh I forgot!" cried Mrs. Weasley jumping up out of the chair and heading over to the noise. Tonks quickly tried to compose herself and dried the remaining few tears still clinging onto her face before Molly opened it. There stood Albus Dumbledore and Harry Potter. Tonks turned away from them, concentrating on her tea. She knew she looked a sight and the two of them were bound to notice that something was amiss. She didn't think she could handle any questions on the matter.

The two came bounding through the door, Harry seemingly happy to be by Dumbledores side. She tried her best to give a smile at the both of them.

***"Ah, hullo Nymphadora!"** Dumbledore said kindly, taking notice of the woman sitting at the table.

"**Hello, Professor"** she replied shortly, not even having the energy to argue with her old Headmaster about her name. She turned her head to Harry and gave a small wave. **"Wotcher Harry." **

"**Hi Tonks."** The young boy replied, eyeing her curiously. She squirmed slightly as she saw both the mens faces look her up and down, wondering about the dramatic change in appearance.

"**I'd better be off" she said quickly, standing up and pulling her cloak around her shoulders. "Thanks for the tea and sympathy, Molly."**

"**Please don't leave on my account," said Dumbledore courteously, "I cannot stay, I have urgent matters to discuss with Rufus Scrimgeour." **

"**No, no, I need to get going," said Tonks, not meeting Dumbledores eyes. "'Night." **

"**Dear, why not come to dinner at the weekend, Remus and Mad-Eye are coming?."**

"**No, really Molly…thanks anyway…Good night, everyone."**

**Tonks hurried past Dumbledore and Harry, into the yard, and a few paces beyond the doorstep, she turned on the spot and vanished into thin air. **

***Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Chapter Five**

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**Sorry, I deleted this chapter to fix it up a little, apologies if you got an email twice about a 'new' chapter. **

**Hope everyone felt Tonks' pain as much I as did writing this...:-( Basically the point of the entire insert. Poor girl.**


	11. Dinner at the Burrow

***"You don't really want Fleur around forever?" Ginny asked Ron incredulously. When he merely shrugged, she said, "Well, Mum's going to put a stop to it if she can, I bet you anything."**

**"How's she going to manage that?" asked Harry.**

**"She keeps trying to get Tonks round for dinner. I think she's hoping Bill will fall for Tonks instead. I hope he does, I'd much rather have her in the family."**

**"Yeah, that'll work," said Ron sarcastically. "Listen, no bloke in his right mind's going to fancy Tonks when Fleur's around. I mean, Tonks is okay-looking when she isn't doing ****stupid things to her hair and her nose…"**

***Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Chapter Five**

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Dinner at the Burrow

Lupin sat patiently near Mad-Eye as Mrs. Weasley was putting the last finishing touches on what would be guaranteed as another excellent meal. He wanted to appreciate the company and food as much as he could tonight since the future told him he wouldn't be able to frequent the area as much as he usually did. Within a week he would be heading off underground with the werewolves, trying to convincingly gain the trust of a man he loathed for making him what he is. It all seemed like a horribly ironic card of fate that he should be assigned to it, and yet who else could it have been?

He glanced around the kitchen, happy to turn his thoughts away from his impending task. To his surprise, Bill and Fleur had decided to join them this evening, and Lupin was delighted to see the excited red head with his new fiancée. He did not know too much about the Veela woman and what he had heard was mostly from a scornful Mrs. Weasley. Lupin had thought that Mollys interpretation of the girl was bias, considering she was rather overly protective of her children, but now having met Fleur he was surprised to find that he agreed with Mrs. Weasleys assumptions.

Fleur was beautiful, that was no lie, and strikingly so, but her appearance gave way to an obvious vanity about her. Lupin had caught her several times staring into her spoons reflection, and she seemed to constantly tousle her hair, especially when Bill was looking at her. He had heard from Harry that she was quite intelligent, having been in the TriWizard Tournament, but when Lupin had tried to start a conversation about the teachings of Beauxbaton versus Hogwarts (something he'd been curious to know of), she quickly turned the conversation around into something about a boy she once knew who was also getting married. From there she continued to discuss the arrangements of the wedding and Lupin had completely lost interest.

He looked at them now, pampering over each other and giggling to themselves about some inside lovers joke. Lupin couldn't help but smile. He'd known Bill a long time, and seeing him blindly in love, whether sickly so or not, made him happy for the young lad. His mind trailed to another woman and he couldn't help but wonder where she was and how she was doing. He had wishfully hoped that Tonks would have joined them tonight, knowing it was probably his last meal here for awhile and that Mrs. Weasely had invited her several times to it. Much to his disappointment she had not come and the small hope inside of Lupin faded away at the realization. He shouldn't have expected anything more from her after what he had said to her, but he couldn't help but desperately wish she was here. The room seemed empty and less vibrant without her in it.

Lupin jumped as Molly slammed a plate down in front of Mad-Eye with unnecessary force and he looked up to meet a deadly stare. Molly had been more than cold to him tonight and he was already certain he knew why. He always appreciate Mrs. Weasleys character, understanding her need to keep everyone around her safe and content, but that never meant he wasn't afraid of her moments of wrath just like everyone else was. She was extremely opinionated and Lupin was sure that now that she knew of Tonks and him, she would be inclined to make her thoughts on it clearly known. By the looks of things tonight, she had not sided with Lupin on the matter.

He watched her as she strode over to her seat at the head of the table and sat down. To his surprise, he saw that everyone around him had already begun digging into their plates and he realized that Molly had purposefully dished out every ones meal except his. She sat smugly at her own seat, avoiding his stare and patiently waiting for him to notice the conspicuous neglect.

Lupin sighed openly and eyed where the food was. Naturally, all of the dishes were conveniently positioned on Mollys side of the table.

"Molly," asked Lupin in the kindest voice he could muster. "Could you pass the potatoes?"

His question was met with ignorance as Molly engagement herself in polite conversation with Mad-Eye. Realizing that her anger was not going to reside anytime soon, he stood up to walk over and fill up his own dish. As he sat back down next to Bill, he noticed that Fleur had taken herself to the bathroom.

"What do you think?" asked Bill quietly as he leaned in towards Lupin gesturing to Fleurs empty seat. His face had a goofy grin stretching across it as he said it and Lupin smiled back at his friend kindly.

"Very pretty," was all he could think to say back, considering he had only just met her.

"Yea, well make sure you keep away," Bill joked back, sitting up. "Already have several of my brothers to make sure they keep their hands to themselves, wouldn't want to have to worry about you too." Lupin laughed, picturing the other Weasleys ogling Bills future wife.

" I assure you that you needn't worry about me," Lupin responded laughing, "Not quite my type, if I dare say so."

Bill gave him a wide smile and eyed him curiously. " So you actually have a type than? And here I was wondering if you've ever had a date before." He laughed loudly at his own joke. Lupin couldn't help but smile and wonder how nice it was to simply laugh and converse with his friend under such dire times. He had not done so since…

His momentary lightness ended at the thought and Molly quickly chimed in.

"Oh, Remus definitely has a type." She said with a trace of resentment in her voice. Lupin stiffened at her words. Surely she wouldn't blab it in front of everyone like this, would she? He looked over at her with pleading eyes and she angrily ignored him.

"Do you now?" said Bill, now keenly interested. He'd never heard Lupin talk about anything involving women before, and now that he thought of it, it seemed like a gapping whole in their relationship. He smiled at Remus, encouraging him to answer the question.

"Well I…" Lupin started, clearing his throat. He looked between the two Weasleys and feeling as though he would not be able to get out of the topic, decided to give in. "I suppose she'd have to be intelligent." He said fidgeting. The idea of describing his type without distinctly describing someone else seemed impossible to him. His 'type' was clearly one person. He struggled finding words vague enough to not give him away.

"And she'd be witty, someone who could easily make me laugh I guess." He continued, wary of the eyes on him. He heard Mrs. Weasley give a soft "hpmh" on the other end of the table.

"She certainly would have to with _your_ absurdities." Molly added coldly. Bill, unnoticing of the growing tension between his mother and friend, looked on cheerfully at Lupin.

"And… colorful." He concluded, with a strained smile on his face at Bill. The last comment was rather obvious, but he could think of nothing else and was determined to switch the chatter to something different. Luckily Fleur had come prancing back into the kitchen.

"Are you talking about Tonks?" she asked, hearing Lupins last comment. His heart sank. That was not the change of conversation he was looking for. "I really do not think shes all zat 'colourful'. Everyone zaid she would be a lot of fun, but shes just zeems a wreck to me."

Lupin couldn't help but perk up in his seat at this. Nobody had ever described Tonks as a wreck before. If Tonks wasn't considered a cheery person, he didn't want to know what people must think of him.

***"She has let 'erself go, zat Tonks," Fleur mused, once again examining her own stunning reflection in the back of a teaspoon. "A big mistake if you ask me." **

"**Yes, thank you," replied Mrs. Weasley tartly**, now just as eager as Lupin was a moment ago to turn the conversation.

"What do you mean?" Lupin asked despite himself. He couldn't help but be intrigued by her words.

"She looks a zight and never smiles. She reminds me of zomeone but I cannot t'ink of whom…" Fleur trailed and stretched her face upwards in thought.

"I don't know what you're going on about. That girls probably got the greatest spark I've ever seen!" chimed in Mad-Eye "Trained her myself, I did. Best darn Auror around…aside from the falling issue." He added and shoveled a spoonful of food into his mouth and grunted approvingly.

Lupin felt a surge of pride go through him at Mad-Eyes words and felt suddenly very aware of how much he did not like Fleurs company.

" 've got it!" cried Fleur, a smile spreading across her face. "Moaning Myrtle, from 'ogwarts!" she gave a loud crackle of a laugh and Lupin felt his face redden with anger. Who was she to judge what Tonks was or wasn't?

"She is not!" both Lupin and Molly yelled back at her defensively. Fleurs laughter stopped abruptly realizing she had hit a soft spot in the two of them. The table quieted from the outburst. Everyone was used to Mollys voice ringing out commandments and lectures, but not Lupins. Bill looked at the two of them, lost in what was going on.

" I was only joking…" added Fleur quietly, not sure what had made them so angry towards her.

"Shes just been having a rough go of it lately is all." said Molly, still red in the face and glaring at Lupin hatefully, clearly indicating that it was all his fault. "Some people can't appreciate just how wonderful she is." Her last words were directed entirely at Lupin and he turned away suddenly ashamed of Mrs. Weasleys judgment of him.

"She _is_ wonderful, Fleur. I think I know better than anyone." Lupin added, talking to Fleur but hoping Molly could pick up on his meaning. "You should take more time to get to know her."

Fleur nodded, not entirely convinced and settled back into picking at her food.

" I imagine she won't be around much anymore." Mrs. Weasley added thoughtfully, a sad look in her face. Lupin caught the expression in her eyes and could've sworn they were starting to shine with tears. A feeling of guilt started working its way through him and he decided to ignore her glare and stare at his plate instead.

" I heard that Dawlish has become rather enamored with her actually." Mrs. Weasley added after taking several more bites of food. Her statement was hung with an air of satisfaction. Lupin could feel her eyes on him as Mad-Eye gave a loud laugh, spitting some food across the table.

"I'd like to see him try!" he barked at Molly, who was looking disdainfully back at the large man. "I'll never forget working with her in the office. Ain't too many girls in there and she had the eye of one too many." He struggled to control his laughter at the memory. "I don't know how many men she jinxed her first year before they all learned. Constant vigilance, that one!"

Lupin smiled at the thought of Tonks fighting smitten men back from her. If Molly was trying to make him jealous, it wasn't working. He knew Dawlish was a skeptical fellow when it came to what side of the war he was on. He knew Tonks well enough to know that she'd never dream of dating a man who wasn't as committed to the cause as much as she was. Molly would have to do better than that.

"Yes, well she'll soon forget us here at the Burrow I'm sure!" added Molly, trying to say it loudly enough through Mad-Eyes continuous laughs. Remus looked up at her at this point.

"I hope she does." He lied and watched as Mrs. Weasleys mouth became a line of disapproval before calmly looking back down at his plate again.

"Oh that reminds me." Said Mad-Eye, now fishing into his large cloak, the laughter gone from his face. He pulled out a small bottle. "She told me to give this to ya." He said, handing it over to Lupin.

He slowly took the bottle from his hand as an enormous feeling of sadness overcame him. It was the wolfbanes potion. His mouth frowned as he stared at the light liquid sloshing inside of the container. She had made it for him every month since last Christmas, even when Lupin had been trying to ignore her advances. She seemed to have always found a way to get it to him, sometimes leaving it on his dresser in his Grimmaulds bedroom or placing it atop his favorite book in the library. He had felt guilty of her continued support for him then, but now he felt even worse. After he had so cruelly rejected her, how could she even consider still making this for him? His heart nearly burst at the incredible person he had let slip away. He looked up at Moody, who had continued to enjoy his meal.

"Would you tell her she can stop making this for me?" he asked Mad-Eye calmly, placing the bottle into his pocket. "I won't be needing it for where I'm going." He explained and Mad-Eye shook his head in understanding before turning back to his plate.

The rest of dinner went on quietly, with Molly every now and then making snide remarks to Lupin in reference to Tonks. The rest of the table seemed oblivious to the hidden conversation the two were having. Eventually after seeing that her impertinence was no match for Lupins calm endurance, Molly gave up in exhaustion.

Despite the placid face he was playing for Molly, Lupin felt as though he would regret it forever if he did not get a chance to see Tonks again before he left. They both were dancing with such dangerous odds anymore, he thought solemnly. He'd have to find a way to her.

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***Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, Chapter Seven ( I know I used this out of context, but I think it fit well.) **

Special thanks to **Adelaide, loveislouder, **and** "Guest"** for your wonderful reviews.


	12. Three Broomsticks

Lupin watched her sitting quietly next to the other man named Dawlish. He couldn't help but feel a swell of jealously building in him as he saw the way Dawlish was eyeing her. He had thought that Mrs. Weasley made up the entire tale as a way of punishing Remus, but now seeing the younger man stare at Tonks, he realized that it must have been some what true. Despite the run of jealously now coursing through him, Remus felt ashamed for reacting that way. If other men were interested in Tonks, which he didn't know how they could _not_ be, then it was a good thing. It showed hope that eventually she would have a chance to move on. But as he looked at her, he realized how much he did not want that to happen. He never felt so selfish in his life.

Tonks looked different. She didn't look like herself, as if the light that had shown so brightly in her before was suddenly turned off. Her hair was brown and her skin pale. As Dawlish stared her down, she seemed completely unaware of his attention, looking lost in thought and staring at the far wall in the Three Broomsticks. When Remus had first seen her, he nearly fell over.

Had he done this?, he wondered to himself.

He felt a cringe of sickness at the thought and all he wanted to do was scoop her up into his arms and take her home with him, begging for forgiveness.

Of course that's not what he did.

Instead, he decided to watch her, under a disillusion charm, bidding time until he decide what he should do.

Then again, he knew what he _should_ do already.

He should go home, leave her alone, and move on with his life.

He just didn't want to do it.

Remus had always prided himself on rationality, but sitting there at the Three Broomsticks, acting like a jealous stalker while risking being seen before he had even begun spying, was completely _irrationally_. It did not take a genius to figure that one out. Yet Lupin could not help but drink in the sight of her. It had only been several weeks since he'd seen her last, yet it felt like years and he didn't think he could leave without at least talking to her once more.

At first he promised himself just a glance, but once seeing her appearance, he reasoned with himself that he should stick around to make sure she was alright. Then he had followed her into the Three Broomsticks and watched as Dawlish walked up to her and sat down. After that he could not tare himself away, cold jealously trickling through him as he watched them exchange greetings.

He was going absolutely mad and the saddest part was that he knew it but didn't seem to want to do anything to change that fact.

Tonks suddenly stood up from her place at the bar, distracting Remus' thoughts, and began making her way towards the bathroom.

Now was his chance, Remus thought to himself. Whatever he had come here to tell her, which he wasn't entirely sure what that was, needed to be done now while she was alone.

He quickly rose and chased after her, taking care not to bump into anything that would draw attention to his invisible form. As he neared her, Tonks was nearing the bathroom door. Just before she had a chance to reach out her hand to grab the handle, her left foot stumbled over the right and Lupin watched as she fell sideways onto the floor. She let out a soft cry of pain and Remus immediately panicked.

Shes hurt, he thought instantly and before he knew what sort of irrational git had possessed him, he ran over and enclosed his arms around her upper body while pulling out his wand.

Tonks, feeling the invisible arms engulf her, panicked and took but a second to start scratching and struggling to free herself from her unknown attacker. She was just about to cry out for help when Lupin Apparated them to the Burrow in a rush.

Her crys met the walls of the empty house instead and she threw herself off of Remus, pulling out her wand and quickly standing up in a dazed panic. Lupin watched for a horrified moment as she spun around in a circle trying to find the intruder.

"Whose there?!" she cried out.

Remus, suddenly realizing what he had done, froze.

This is going to be the most embarrassing moment of my life, he thought as he reluctantly pulled out his wand and lightly tapped his head with it. The trickling feeling slowly made its way down his body until he was visible to the naked eye once more.

Tonks spun around at the movement and on catching sight of Remus, immediately dropped her raised wand to her waist and stared in shock at him. Her jaw slacked slightly and confusion stretched across her face.

"Remus?" she asked after a moment. The two of them stared at eachother, one not knowing what to say to the other. Remus felt himself give a rather childish shrug at her inquiry and remained silent, trying to find a good enough way to explain himself.

"What-" she started, but then stopped, as if not sure what she should be asking.

"You were hurt." Remus tried, beginning to feel a blush creep up his face. There was no logical way of explaining his actions without sounding like a complete fool.

"What?" she asked, looking even more confused then before.

"You fell and were hurt, so I brought you here." He said simply.

She merely blinked at him, still not understanding what had transpired. She looked down at herself, as if looking for an injury. Naturally, there were none since she had only fallen lightly and Remus blushed a deeper red as the ridiculousness of his overreaction was evident.

"Why were you at the Three Broomsticks?" she asked quizzically, turning up to meet his eyes.

Remus hesitated to answer, deciding if he should lie or not. He had never been very good at it and the last time he had done so with Tonks, she had slapped him.

"I wanted to see you." He replied, deciding on the truth.

He watched as Tonks' face changed from confusion to a solid blank expression. Something flickered in her eyes and Remus could not tell if she was extremely angry or possibly hopeful. Perhaps it was both, he thought to himself.

A minute passed and Tonks had still not spoken, only looking at him. Remus began to fidget under her stare and decided to try and break the silence.

"You look…" he paused, not sure how to describe her new appearance. "different." He finished.

"So do you." She replied. Her body language shifted into conservative motions, keeping her gestures short and having taken a step away from him. Remus felt a string pull within him at her changed demeanor. It was as if she was protecting herself from him, not willing to let him in any longer. The realization hurt more than Remus could have ever anticipated and he frowned back at her.

"I must say I miss the color." He stated, trying to re-bridge the cold divide that had fallen between them. It was a sad attempt but Remus felt desperate. Looking at her stony face had Remus suddenly longing for the times when they had laughed freely together inside the library of Grimmaulds. That seemed so long ago now.

"I'm sure that's not all you miss." Tonks replied calmly, as if reading his mind. Remus shifted his weight awkwardly. Why was it so easy for her to share her feelings and so difficult for him?

"I wanted-" Remus started, but Tonks quickly cut him off.

"I should go." She said abruptly, and moved to raise her wand again. Remus quickly shot out his arm to grab a hold of hers.

"Please. Don't leave." He begged, looking at her with pleading eyes. They were close and Remus relished in the small contact they were now sharing. Tonks looked up at him, sadness radiating from her expression.

"Remus, what more do you want from me?" she replied in barely a whisper.

The words hit Remus like a tons of emotional bricks and he fully understood the crushing misery he had forced Tonks to go through. He had wanted to keep her safe, but in this moment she seemed as broken as he was.

"I just want to explain." He whispered back. "I just want you to know the truth." He released his hand on her arm and took a step to the side, properly facing her. "I lied, Tonks." He said earnestly.

Tonks head shot up in astonishment and Remus recognized the hope he might be giving her.

"But I lied with good reason." He rushed on quickly, trying to bat away any glimmer of promise she might have been feeling. "I care about you more than you can possibly know," he continued, reaching forward for her hands and coupling them with his own. "But it is because I care about you that I won't allow myself to be with you."

Tonks shook her head in disbelief at his persistence.

"But, _why_ Remus? _Why_? I don't understand." She replied, once again allowing herself to open up with him. She had already been rejected before, she wasn't sure if she could endure it a second time.

"There are so, so many reasons and I'm sure you already know them all." He replied calmly.

"But I don't care." Tonks said desperately, mimicking her conversation with him only weeks prior.

"Yes, but I do. I care!" Remus quickly replied. The anger was at himself, at his condition and curse for depriving him of so many things he wanted. A job, friends, a stable family; they were all victims of the plague that surrounded him. Out of all the things he's missed in life, he was sure it would be Tonks that he would feel the most bitter about. Nothing could or ever would replace her.

"I love you," he continued, his voice quieting. " but I refuse to lose you like everyone else I've known."

He looked back at her, expecting some sort of retort at his outburst, but she only looked at him with pity in her eyes.

"You wouldn't lose me." She said quietly and Remus should his head in disagreement.

"No. You don't get it. I am old and barely half the man I used to be. There is nothing, _nothing_, that comes with my love except pain and death. It has been proven true all my life and I'll be damned if I expose you to that."

The tiny amount of optimism that developed in the beginning, slowly slipped away as Tonks took in what he was saying. It was as she had expected, he was rejecting her once again. Like taring open a barely healed wound, Tonks felt the tears beginning to sting in her eyes once more as the scene at the stairs played in her mind like a cruel form of déjà vu.

"Why are you telling me this? Why even bother?" She said, slowly removing her hands from his and looking at him with a large amount of contempt.

Remus ran a hand through his hair and sighed.

"Because I'm leaving…and I don't know what will happen." He replied "My greatest regret would have been not telling you how I felt."

A harsh snob ripped through the room and Remus could do nothing as Tonks turned her face away from him, trying to keep her composure. He watched as she wiped tears away from her face, only to be replaced by more.

"I'm…," her voice cracked in between small sniffles. "I'm so _glad_ to have helped you then."

"Tonks, please." Remus tried, reaching once again for her hands. She quickly pulled her hands away from his reach.

"No." she said, rubbing her cheeks roughly with both hands. "Just don't." She turned around fully, taking a deep breathe and lifting her head up to force the tears to remain inside her. After a moment she turned back towards him. Her eyes were red and puffy, but had a new look of determination within them. She took several steps closer to him and wrapped her arms around his neck, staring back at him.

"What are you doing?" Remus asked slightly flustered by the sudden change in her mood.

"Kiss me." Tonks replied seriously and stared back at him.

"No." he said sternly, realizing the awful predicment he tricked himself into. He tried to duck out of her grasp, but she clung tightly to the base of his shirts collar. His eyes moved around the room, not wanting to look at her.

"This isn't…" he started again. "This isn't why I brought you here."

"Yes, I know," Tonks mumbled back, slightly bitter. "You brought me here to make sure you have no regrets. But you wanna know what mine would be?"

Remus breathed in sharply, nervous for her answer.

"If you never kissed me properly." She finished and looked at him with a piercing stare.

He told himself he did it for her, because how could he force her to listen to his if not willing to reciprocate the offer. But nothing felt better for him than when he took both his hands and cupped them around her cheeks before leaning in to kiss her. Nothing was more blissful to him than when he tasted her tears, and mouth, and lips. _Nothing_.

And when his hands moved into her hair and her arms slowly moved to hold him tighter, he told himself that it had to be a good one, _for her_, if it was to be the last one. That's why he took his time, slowly cherishing the utopian moment that it had become and pouring all of the love he had bottled up for her into one perfect kiss.

The length of time that passed seemed endless, neither wanting to face the inevitable separation that would come afterwards. But a word flashed in Remus' mind and he was pulled away from the euphoria that was previously bubbling within him. He slowly broke away from her kiss and turned his head, burying it in her hair instead.

"Enough" he breathed heavily and he felt tears rolling off his cheeks into her hair. He gave her one last kiss on the head and ripped himself away from her. As he stepped back he took a glance at her expression and instantly wished he hadn't. She was standing still with an overwhelming somber presence and Remus had to look away or he knew he would move back towards her again.

"Goodbye Remus," Tonks' voice echoed through him and Remus heard the crack of her Apparation as she left.

He never cried harder.

* * *

:-( A/N:

Hello everyone and sorry for the very long delay for an update. I have decided that because of lack of interest on both my side and readers side, I will be cutting this fanfic short. I originally planned to complete Tonks and Remus' story all the way through to the end of DH, but I think I will now only go until the end of HBP. I apologize to the few fans who have enjoyed this story and wanted to see a "complete" end to it. But I'm afraid I'm much to busy and eager to finish this one up. If I try and do it all the way to DH your sure to have to read some awful, messy, and rushed writings.

There are about 3-4 chapters left that I have planned, but will probably take some time getting up. Thanks again for all the reviews, they are much appreciated and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. It's a bit dramatic but hopefully not too corny.


	13. Another Christmas

**Meanwhile, Remus Lupin, who was thinner and more ragged-looking than ever, was sitting beside the fire, staring into its depths as though he could not hear Celestinas voice**

**"What have you been up to lately?" Harry asked Lupin, as Mr, Weasley bustled off to fetch the eggnog**

***Chapter Sixteen, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince**

**Christmas**

Happy chatter and the crooning of Celestinas voice played through out the Burrows living room as Lupin sat alone near the fire. It had been a gift for him to have been able to come this Christmas with what work he was doing. He had not seen or heard of anyone for months, spying and living with the werewolves. It was an unbearable task to say the least and Remus had never had to suppress his emotions more. To see Fenrir Greyback had been enough, but to follow him and stand beside him as he lectured on the joys of torturing other small children was sickening. It took all of his strength and rationality to not speak up to his 'leaders' vile comments. Dumbledore had made it clear that Remus was to act as they do in order to gain their trust. It was degrading and depressing that all his life he had aimed to be anything but the monster people thought he was and now was willingly acting like one.

As he watched the ambers glow red and white he knew he should be enjoying the little amount of time he had with the people around him, but for numerous reasons his heart was not in it this year. Usually seeing Harry, his only reminder of the life and friends he use to have, gave him bursts of energy and joy that was so rare for him. Yet today, when he had greeted the young boy it only had reminded him of all he'd lost instead. Everything in Lupins life was falling apart and his miserable state had him feeling as he had thirteen years ago. When James and Lily died and Peter was assumed dead, Lupin watched his last friend get sent to Azakban while Dumbledore refused to allow him custody of Harry. It was the darkest time in his life and he never believed he could get that low again.

Yet here he was.

The sinking feeling of loneliness, abandonment, and unhappiness was overtaking him. Dreadful thoughts filled his mind and any glimmers of hope had long ago vanished. He was miserable.

Lupin sighed and shifted awkwardly in his seat, trying hard to turn his thoughts to better memories. Usually his thoughts would shift to Tonks during these times. Thinking of her had often saved him from the darkening ideas that lingered around him, but since she had refused Mollys offer to join them this Christmas Lupin was only reminded of their separation. He desperately wanted to ask about her, learn of anything that had happened at Hogsmeade, but he was afraid of Molly overhearing and lecturing him so he decided to keep his mouth shut.

His earlier talk with Harry hadn't helped him either. Harrys paranoia over Snapes activities and his curiosity to know where Lupin had been all year made Remus feel even more disconnected from the young boy. His attitude and questions reminded him so much of his two lost friends and Lupin couldn't help but see James whenever he looked at him today.

Remus gave the eggnog that Mrs. Weasley had given him earlier another swirl in his hand before gulping the last of it down. He sighed and finally took a glance around the room to see that most of the children had already shuffled off to bed. Only Mr. and Mrs. Weasley along with Bill and Fleur were still awake, talking quietly amongst themselves.

He should've stayed and talked with them, asking Bill about the upcoming wedding plans and showering Mrs. Weasley in compliments, but he was in no mood for polite chit chat and decided to retreat upstairs to his bedroom instead. As his thoughts drove him deeper and deeper into a somber state while laying in his bed, Remus' mind ran through the memories of last Christmas and the woman who had kissed him. With a tiny feeling of warmth stirring within him, Lupin finally drifted off to sleep, hoping that Christmas Day would be better.

XxxxX

Christmas dinner reminded Lupin a lot of when he last had dinner at the Burrow. Mrs. Weasly continued to drop sly remarks towards him all night, while giving him dark stares through-out most of the dinner. Whenever he asked for a dish to be passed his way, she would either ignore him or practically throw the food at him. In any normal circumstance, it might have actually brought Remus to say something to the woman, but his spirits were still low from the other night and he had barely any energy to argue with a Weasley. He was trying hard to put on a good face for his friends around the table. Harry was seated next to him, eyeing Fleur and Bill with half amusement feeding each other chunks of turkey, as Mrs. Weasley sat several seats down to the left of him. Many were curious as to were Lupin had been for so long and he calmly told them vague details. He knew Mrs. Weasely was listening to everything he told her children. He also knew that in order to keep any civility between them he'd have to abide by her rules, which meant that talking about anything to do with the Order was out of the question.

Remus was taking another bite of his potatoes when he heard Mrs. Weasleys loud voice.

***"I invited dear Tonks to come along today, but she wouldn't come. Have you spoken to her lately, Remus?"**

Since Molly knew very well that Remus had not been in contact with her, he took his time answering back, chewing his food unusually slowly before swallowing and straightening his neck to look back at her. She had an unusual gift for administrating hidden torture, he thought to himself.

**"No, I haven't been in contact with anybody very much,"** he said. **"But Tonks has got her own family to go to, hasn't she?"**

**"Hmmmm,"** Mrs. Weasley continued. **"Maybe. I got the impression she was planning to spend Christmas alone, actually."**

Remus took a sip of his drink to hide his dismay. Molly did not hid secrets or feelings well, and he was sure that every time something miserable was happening around Tonks she would go out of her way to tell him. This bit of information must have been saved up, exclusively used to unnerve him in front of the entire dinning room and it had worked. He hadn't known.

He desperately hoped that Tonks had not done so. Order members barely had any time to their private lives anymore, with the war heating up so quickly. If Tonks had had time to visit her family, she should've taken it. Lupin grimaced at the thought of her spending the day alone. Even him, in his most miserable state had forced himself to be surrounded by friends. It hadn't done too much to lighten his mood, especially with Mrs. Weasleys snide comments following him around, but it was better then nothing.

**"Tonks's Patronus has changed its form"** Harry suddenly chimed in.

Remus froze mid-chew as the words reached him. He sat still for several moments, trying to ease the shock in him. If someones Patronus had changed, then only the worst or best of situations could alter it. Remus knew that Tonks was definitely not experiencing the best times, no one was. How could someone so strong, be so fragile? To think that he had caused her so much pain that…

He could barely finish the thought. He noticed that Molly had paused at Harrys statement as well, initially making him concluded that this was her first time hearing of it as well. Surely Molly wouldn't be able to hide such a large secret from him, especially since her new mission in life was to make Remus feel remorseful enough to change his mind. If anything would have, this was it.

But as he looked at her, he noticed that her eyes kept trying to avert his and her expression was no longer lingering with angry and resentment, but with pity. It became obvious within those short moments that Molly had known all along and had purposefully neglected to tell him. Her torturous tactics only went so far and Remus wondered if she hadn't told in order to save Remus from unbearable guilt and suffering, or because she had perhaps promised Tonks. It could have easily been a mixture of both, he thought.

Harry, misinterpreting their shocked expressions for skeptical ones, squirmed in his seat slightly.

**"Snape said so anyway."** He continued less sure of himself. **"I didn't know that could happen. Why would your Patronus change?"**

The room felt very thick as Lupin took his time chewing his turkey and swallowing, allowing himself time to pull himself together. It was very difficult both answering Harrys question and trying to ease his own thoughts at the same time. But Harry had directed the question at him specifically and he knew he couldn't ignore it.

**"Sometimes,"** Remus started slowly, his voice sounding unfamiliar to his ears. **"…a great shock…an emotional up-heaval…"** the words seemed to form weights on his shoulders as he spoke them.

From the left of him, he heard Molly scoff quietly. What did she expect him to do? Tell Harry that it was because of his cruel mistreatment of her, that Tonks went into a state of misery?

**"It looked big, and it had four legs,"** Harry interrupted him.

Remus felt himself ball his fist up under the table. Now that he thought of it, he really should never have come. Perhaps Tonks had the right idea about spending Christmas alone. He'd have to remember it for next time.

**"Hey…it couldn't be-?"** Harry started, but was suddenly interrupted by Mrs. Weasley voice.

"Arthur!" she exclaimed suddenly, jumping from her seat. But Remus did not take the time to find out why Mrs. Weasley had jumped up. Instead he took his unexpected luck to quickly jump from his own seat and remove himself quickly from the room. He couldn't help but notice how he never seemed able to finish his meals at the Burrow any more. He hastily made his way to the upstairs bathroom.

When he finally reached his destination, he slowly pulled the seat to the toilet down and sat on it, staring at the wall in front of him. His mind seemed both blank and running through a million thoughts all at the same time. All of them were of Tonks. He thought back to when he'd last seen her at the Three Broomsticks and the way her expression had grayed over, pushing out all the color that had once lived in her cheeks. At that point, he knew that she had let their relationship effect her appearance, which wasn't nearly as shocking as maybe it should have been. But Remus had himself let his appearance suffer. He did not have much as far as proper clothing went, but he usually tried to look the least shabby he possibly could. Yet recently, he found solace in his most worn out attire and could honestly care less what he looked like anymore. He had figured that Tonks had the same experience. He hadn't even fathomed that her state might have been forced on her. If her Patronus had changed, her magically abilities might have also. It might be weakened. Its been known to happen and if that was true then her metamorphosing may have been affected as well.

Remus couldn't help but lean his head into his hands as an agonizing moan escaped his lips. She was stationed in Hogsmeade, with a weakened state of magic and possibly no morphing ability. Her danger was no worse then his and it was entirely his fault. A wave of nausea hit him and he continued to sit in deep thought while trying to control it. He wasn't sure how long he had been in the bathroom when he heard a knock on the door.

"Remus?" Mrs. Weasley called softly through the door. "Are you in there?"

Slowly, Remus stood up and walked to the door to open it, leaving behind any previous thoughts. When he turned the knob he was met with Mollys glooming face.

"Oh, I thought that was you in there…" she tried to smile at him.

"Molly, I think I'm going to leave if you don't mind." He said. He didn't try and cover up any sadness in his voice. Molly already knew, and he was too drained to attempted it.

Mrs. Weasley only nodded and guided him downstairs to the entrance of the Burrow. She quickly grabbed his coat from the closet, along with something else he couldn't quite make out. As he put his coat on, he felt a small object in his jacket and suddenly remembered why he had brought it. On the slim chance that Tonks was coming tonight, Remus had stopped off to grab a small present for her. He knew he shouldn't have, considering all that had happened, but he couldn't help it. He had purchased a silver necklace chain with a small green charm through it. He gripped onto the small box it was placed in, and slowly took it out of his pocket. He glanced at it for a moment before turning to face Mrs. Weasley.

"Mollly, do me a favor?," He said. "Could you please give this to Tonks?" He handed the small box over to her and she eyed him skeptically.

"You should be giving this to her yourself," she exclaimed, but took ahold of the box anyway. "She asked me to give you something as well."

Remus' ears perked up suddenly. Had Tonks gotten him something? It was such a silly thing to be excited about, but any contact with Tonks no matter how obscure would be a huge relief to his misery.

But Remus' face fell as Mrs. Weasley pulled out a charmed flower encased in glass.

"She said you'd know what it is." Molly said, reaching her hand out to give it to him.

If there were any pieces of Remus heart left to crumble away, he was fairly certain that they had just done so. He couldn't bring his hands to take the gift off of Mollys', so instead he turned around on it and reached for the door.

"Tell her to keep it," he said and then made his way out into the cold alone.

***Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, Chapter 16**

A/N:

Happy belated Christmas! I assure you that this fanfiction will be finished one day, it will just take some time. I thank anyone who is still reading this, you are a lot more patient than me. Hope everyones holidays (if you celebrated them...) were great and Happy New Year!


	14. The Pursuit of Happiness

**LAST CHAPTER!**

**An extraordinary assortment of people had already settled into half of the chairs: shabby and smart, old and young. Most Harry did not recognize, but there were a few that he did, including members of the Order of the Phoenix: Kingsley Shacklebolt, Mad-Eye Moody, Tonks, her hair miraculously returned to a vivid pink, and Remus Lupin, with whom she seemed to be holding hands**

***Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Chapter 30**

**After the Battle**

Lupin stood in the hospital wing, standing over the bed which lay Fenrir Greybacks latest victim. Fleur was caressing Bills face, tears in her eyes over her lovers wounds. Next to him stood a disheveled Tonks and under any other circumstance Remus would have been ecstatic to be in her presence, but Harrys words were still sending a numb coldness through his body.

_Dumbledore was dead. _

He had been asked a few days prior the battle by Dumbledore himself to take a watch at Hogwarts. Along with several other order members, Remus gladly accepted the temporary reassignment knowing Tonks would be there as well. It was only suppose to be for the one day. Dumbledore had said he needed to go somewhere urgently in two days time, but was nervous to leave the school unprotected with recent occurrences. Remus should have questioned him more thoroughly, but his trust in the older wizard was complete and unscathed. Looking back, Remus wondered whether Dumbledore had already known his fate somehow.

A few silent tears fell down his face as he continued to stare at Bills mangled body. They had lost so much within the last hour it was unbearable to think of. During the fight, Remus had felt alive for the first time in months. He was suspiciously aware of the fact that it had mostly to do with Tonks fighting along side him, several of her quick maneuvers saving his skin. It had not been the way he pictured seeing her again after such a long separation, but it was enough to send sparks to his heart and set a new determination to beat back the Death Eaters that had sprinted down the stairs of the Astronomy Tower.

Any of those initially feelings had now fallen away and Remus was once again met with an overwhelming feeling of loss and remorse. He had _seen_ Snape, coming down the stairs with the Malfoy boy in tow and yet hadn't done a thing to stop him. At the time he didn't know of Snapes betrayal on top of those stairs and now as Remus stood there he could think of nothing but strangling the man.

_How could Snape have done such a thing to the very man who took him in all those years back?_

It was disgusting. Remus could not tell if he was more disappointed in himself for trusting in Severus Snape and not listening to the warnings of Sirius and Harry or Snape himself.

His hatred was temporarily pushed to the side as Fleur and Mrs. Weasley began hugging and reconciling over Bills bed. He couldn't help but feel that it was endearing to witness Molly casting aside her stubbornness to accept her sons future wife, no matter if the current circumstances were dire.

**"You see!"** a strained voice interrupted his thoughts. Lupin turned to see that Tonks was glaring at him with glistening eyes. **"She still wants to marry him, even though he's been bitten! She doesn't care!**

Lupin stared back in slight shock that Tonks had just announced to the entire room of their strained relationship. He had just cried in front of everyone with the news of Dumbledore and he did not want to discuss another private matter that was sure to show another slew of strong emotions in him. This would be the first time Remus had talked to her since the Three Broomsticks. They hadn't had more then a meeting of eyes during the battle.

**"It's different,"** he said tensely, barely moving his lips and trying hard to end this conversation as quickly as possible. He wasn't sure he'd be able to hold on to himself. **"Bill will not be a full werewolf. The cases are completely -"**

**"But I don't care either, I don't care!"** Tonks cried back, seizing the front of his robes and shaking them. **"I've told you a million times. . . ."**

He couldn't meet her eyes, knowing he'd give in instantly to her pleas this time. Everyone in the room had grown quiet, watching the scene playing before them.

**"And I've told you a million times,"** he said, hating his own words already and staring at the floor. **"that I am too old for you, too poor . . . too dangerous. . . ."**

**"I've said all along you're taking a ridiculous line on this, Remus,"** Mrs. Weasley interrupted over Fleur's shoulder as she patted her on the back.

**"I am not being ridiculous,"** he replied, trying to steady himself. He could feel his walls breaking from every word thrown at him. He didn't want to decide here, he needed time. Right now, he wasn't thinking straight. _How could he?_ **"Tonks deserves somebody young and whole."**

**"But she wants you,"** Mr. Weasley added with a small smile. **"And after all, Remus, young and whole men do not necessarily remain so."**

**He gestured sadly at his son, lying between them.**

**"This is... not the moment to discuss it,"** he tried, begging in his voice for them to stop. They had just lost a battle, the strongest wizard on their side was dead, and Snape had been proven a traitor. Now was not the time to discuss his love life. **"Dumbledore is dead. ..."**

**"Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody to think that there was a little more love in the world,"** Professor McGonagall said curtly. The shock of his old Professor adding her two cents on the matter was pushed aside as Hagrid waltz through the doors.

Lupin took his opportunity to slip out of the room in order to catch his breath. He simply could not handle all that was happening around him. He was caught between filtering the shock and remorse of Dumbledores death and also the strong need to crawl into Tonks comforting arms and promise her to never leave again. He found himself shaking and through a hand to his chest, as if trying to literally get a grip on his heart. He breathed in deeply and eyed the area around him. How many times did James, Sirius, and him walk down this hall? Laughing and wrestling …

The memory suddenly had him breathing once again and he looked towards the doors at the end of the hallway. Without thinking about what he was doing, he slowly began making his way down the corridor and out the entrance. The night was much too clear and calming for such horrible events to have occurred. His foot steps felt heavy as he made his way to the familiar tree he and his two other best friends hung around during their time at Hogwarts. It was strange to Lupin how the tree remained completely unchanged based on his memory of it, yet everything else in his life had turned upside down. He leaned against its bark and tried taking calming breaths.

A hopelessness sprung within him. How could they ever win this war now? It seemed impossible. Everything that he had lost would be have been in vain, everything he sacrificed…

A small hand brushed against his and Remus turned in surprise to see a small pale face staring up at him. He had a strong urge to move his hand away from hers but couldn't bring himself to actually do it. Her touch was the only warmth he could feel at the moment and he'd die before he'd let that vanish.

"We'd come here," Remus heard himself say. "James, Sirius, and I…to study or …cause trouble." His voice sounded small and weak, rasping from the lump caught in his throat.

Tonks only nodded, gripping his hand tighter.

"We're going to loose this war Tonks." He blurted out, turning towards her suddenly. "We're going to loose this war just like I lost everything else."

Tonks arms quickly wrapped around him, holding him closely.

"No we're not," She promised him.

"Dumblesdore dead…" He said again and he wondered if those words would ever sound less horrible to him. His face was buried into her neck, smelling her scent and trying to gain some form of comfort from it.

"There's still Harry." She whispered back to him, letting him lean further into her. Remus found himself shaking his head.

"He's just a boy."

"He's done it before hasn't he?" She asked, bringing a hand up to stroke through his mangled hair. Remus couldn't help but sigh in relief. Every small touch seemed to bring him more to life, the warmth building. Before he knew what was happening Tonks had Apparated them to her apartment and was guiding him gently to a bed. She sat him down at the end of it and then scurried off to an adjacent bathroom. When she returned she had a wet cloth, charmed with a warming spell and placed it gingerly against his forehead. Her hand absently stroked through his hair as his eyes stared at the floor beneath him.

He had never been to her apartment before. It smelled like her; a citrus like scent. He found himself tilting his head back and breathing it in. He had missed that smell.

"You can stay here the night," Tonks said eyeing him. He turned his head to look at her. She was thinner then he remembered, her skin paler and ghostly. Her hair sat limp on her head, void of all color and yet Remus couldn't believe how amazingly beautiful she still was. He gazed back, wondering how he could have forgotten.

"I'll be in the next room, so don't worry." She continued, removing the cloth and standing up. She placed the small towel on the nightstand next to the bed and gave him a sad look. "I missed you." She mumbled quietly. Remus could only look up at her in response.

In his opinion, they had just lost this war and everyone on their side was most likely going to end up suffering because of it. His entire outlook had turned pitch black tonight and now here was Tonks offering a twinkle of light for him to grasp onto. He was certain that her face, and spirit, and beauty were the only good things left in his life anymore. If he could just stay like this and stare at her for the rest of his days he was sure that he could find happiness again.

She fidgeted under his glare, nervous that he hadn't responded.

"I'll go," She gestured, starting to remove herself from the room.

"Tonks," Remus said, finally finding his voice. She turned around as he slowly stood up and made his way over to her. "Don't leave, please." He let his hands fall gently on her shoulders, a finger caressing a small patch of bare skin exposed by her neck. "I can't bare it anymore."

"Remus," She breathed, her eyes sparkling suddenly. "Don't joke with me…"

Remus almost smiled at the notion of him being able to crack a joke right now.

"I'm so tired," He said as he leaned his head down towards her. Their lips met and Remus felt the warmth that had been building within him ever since he'd been in her presence take over. Her response was immediate, the familiar sighs and motions bringing Remus back to a place where everything wasn't full of fear and horror. He could have cried with all of the pleasant emotions she was now causing in him. It'd been so long since he'd felt any of them.

Little time was spent before they ended up lying down on the bed behind them, articles of clothing slowly and gently being removed. There was a moment when Remus hesitated as Tonks proceed to lift his jumper off of him, afraid the scars that covered him would cause her to stop. But the action was over and done with before he could even try and argue it. Tonks barely took any notice as she continued to affectionately kiss him and the disregard made Remus love her even more, if that was possible.

Time passed as their breathing quickened and their motions became more synchronized. And finally, when Tonks panting suddenly hitched underneath him and her body arched into his, Remus saw a flash of colors burst from her hair until finally settling on a vivid pink.

Hours later, still holding onto her sleeping form, Remus stared up at the ceiling and reflected on the past two years of his life. He knew now that he had made a silly choice in trying to cast Tonks from his life. He had been willing to sacrifice friendships, jobs, and even his own well being, but he would never have been able to give up his love for her. It had been foolish to think he could.

He turned his head slowly, making sure not to wake her, and brushed a small strand of her pink hair aside. He couldn't help but smile slightly. It was a small pathetic little thing, but a smile nonetheless and Remus realized something staring at her.

He was finally happy again.

The End.

**A/N:**

**I finished! Aren't you proud of me? I thought some you didn't think I could do it...but I did! I immensely thank those of you who have dealt with my procrastination...especially the ever ambiguous "Guest" and flattering "Margot". You both have commented pretty much every chapter, and neither of you even have accounts! **

**Now that this is over I ask two favors. One, please review! I would love to hear from people who added my story into their favorites and yet wrote nothing about why they like/hated it. Please let me know what you think! Its the biggest compliment you can give me and its also just plain nice. **

**Second, I have another fanfic starting and although I'm sure most of the readers that were following this story are pure Tonks/Lupin shippers... maybe you'd surprise yourself reading a Lupin/Sirius one. There is also a lot of Lily/James mixed in it as well. If its not yours thing, cool and if it is, well awesome! Check it out!**

**Thanks again everyone!**


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